A Resoundingly Good Show

In a semi-continuation of my second to last post, in which I discussed things I liked and why it was important I liked them, the following is a semi-abstract look at items and ideas I am currently consuming, as well as a joke that might accompany the item (as found in my electronic Jokemaster) and my response to the joke:

The Jokemaster.

Good Show: Jack Black and Will Forte
Jack Black gave the first entertaining Saturday Night Live monologue I've seen since that one where Woodrow Wilson compared the League of Nations to the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Sorry Alec Baldwin, but your monologue last week in which you showed pictures of previous times you'd been on the show just didn't translate as well on screen as it might have in a photo album. Will Forte gets "propositions" here for taking part in what was unfortunately the only funny skit in the rest of the show. I won't ruin the plot of the skit for all you slow-watchers, but it actually catered to Jack Black's talents of singing and being absurd. Which is unusual, because SNL writers usually write skits that don't cater to the host's talents at all, giving them parts that any Buck or Gina off the street could play. The show sucks.
Joke: (In reference to the fact that SNL is digging it's own grave) How much dirt is in a hole 12 feet wide by 14 feet deep? None! Holes don't have anything in them!
My response to the joke: Is this really good enough of a joke to put into an electronic device? This is an old joke and would probably be better suited for a time capsule... which would be buried in a hole!

Good Show: Monthy Python

Not much analysis here. I've just begun to watch the old shows and they are living up to the "hype" (a showbiz term for "expectations"). Really emphasizes how bad Saturday Night Live is. Dear Amy Poehler on Weekend Update, I don't know why you're pausing for 5 seconds inbetween each joke. It's really awkward. Sincerely, Boobird in Brookfield.
Joke: (In reference to the fact that Napoleon was featured shortly in the episode I watched tonight) What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen? Linoleum blownapart!
My response to the joke: This is one of the best jokes I've heard in a long time. It's almost surreal in quality, which gives me hope that I will be able to enjoy this joke even after I die.

Bad Show: Liverpool.

I stayed up until past 6 AM last night to watch the international club championship between British Liverpool and Brazilian Sao Paolo. The result was 1-0 in favor of Sao Paolo, even though they had 0 corners to Liverpool's 17. Dear Liverpool, My great-grandad is from your city, so I've decided to root for you (behind Sparta Praha and DC United, I mean). Please don't lose, although I realize that my supporting you is probably a curse against winning. Sincerely, the worst person other than murderous stalkers to have like you.
Joke: (In reference to the fact that the Orioles, my favorite and thus cursed sports team, are located in Maryland) Maryland's new state motto: If you can dream it, we can tax it.
My response to the joke: A tax joke? I'm pretty sure that tax jokes could be applied to almost every other state, and perhaps even be a bit more relevant in a few. There are a lot better topics to riff off of for Maryland than taxes: Crabcakes, the Mason-Dixon Line, Edgar Allen Poe, etc.

Good Show: The phrase "Good housing."

An indoor pool? Good housing!

I've decided to use this phrase as much as I can whenever I get the chance. Chances will make themselves aware in the following fashion: 1.) I will enter somebody's house (including, possibly, my own). 2.) I will notice something I find aesthetically pleasing. 3.) I will point to the display or arrangement that pleases me. 4.) I will say to the owner of the house: "Good Housing!"
Joke: Not applicable, due to the fact that the Jokemaster is insanely loud, doesn't have a mute button, and it's 3 AM.
My response to the joke: Not funny at all. This seems more like an explanation of why there isn't a joke than a joke.

So there you have it. A resoundingly good show!

Two is a Number

Apologies again for the delay. I must say that it's difficult keeping up with the pace, especially now that I'm webbery-ing for two. And no, I'm not talking about Jigsaw's Blog. Who knows where that maniacal "killer" lurks? I sure don't, but I would guess Hamburg. I noticed a bit of that Hamburg roll when he pronounced his "r"s in the last biopic. Not that Hamburg rolls are too discernable from Kaiser rolls.

Phonetics joke!

Anyway, here's why I'm now webbery-ing for two. Wil Wheaton, infamous for his role as Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation, was singled out by Forbes as having the best celebrity blog out there.

I'm a spaceboy!

I headed over to WilWheaton.net to check out the buzz, feel the beat, and all that other cool lingo that kids say nowadays when they go somewhere fun. Any urge I felt to connect to our youth, however, was quickly dissipated upon my arrival.

No written post since September 29?! Is this the kind of blogging timetable that wins you awards from Forbes?! Because if that is so, I would like to submit a hilarious entry from my "Here's to Goin' That-a-Way" series that chronicled a typical journey along the Oregon Trail. An excerpt from June 15, 1846 (I chose to head out in April):

My party seems to have arrived at Independence Rock. If you would permit me to speak in such a fashion, this trail is getting HARDER by the minute. Ah well. At least we are able to refill our rations here. It is almost as if we can start over with a new SLATE. Good morrow!

Haha wow does that take me back. I was at the peak of my game, with the rock jokes and all. Now I'm stuck with phonetics jokes about rolling "r"s. Ah well. At least the "r"s aren't ROCKing and rolling!

Back to Wesley Crusher. I noticed that he did at least post a hilarious picture on December 9th. It was a picture of a menu, and then...chuckle...the item on the menu was "Freedom Toast," and then...giggle...the caption said..."With Breakfast or against it!" Ha! Alright. I'll agree that that deserves awards.

But I demand more of it! Which is why I have taken to ghost-writing some entries for him. I decided to appeal to his Star Trek fanbase, while still holding to my webbery-ing strengths. He hasn't published my stuff yet for whatever reason, but here's a preview:

Hi I'm Wes Wheaton. I played Wesley Crusher on Star Trek. Klingons are attacking me! Help! No I shouldn't scream! I must stay strong! Klingons take advantage of people who GRAVEL...whoops! I mean grovel! Yay for Star Trek!

Wow. I don't want to turbocharge my own phaser, but I'm pretty sure that these kind of contributions will keep him at the top of the Forbes list for quite a while. If not, then I'm definitely against it. No, not breakfast! Forbes!

END

Things and Things

Although some of you out there may believe that the title of this post refers to taking an empty soda bottle from lunch and stuffing it with as much trash as you possibly can, it doesn't. But the "Fill the Bottle" game is awesome.

Moving on, the things and things that I'm referring to here are nothing more than "Things that I like a lot right now." In fact, I like them so much that I haven't updated this webbery in almost a week! I'm having too much fun!

Oh, and I'm still in partial hiding since the discovery of Jigsaw's Blog.

Anyway, here you go: A list of things that I like right now, Why I like them, and Why it's important to the world that I like them.

Thing I like: The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide

Why I like it: As much as I am embarassed that I only became aware of this literature due to a Hollywood movie, I am even more not embarassed that I read it. In fact, I'm not embarassed at all! I'm not even embarassed that I had glitter on my face yesterday (true story, don't ask). In any case, this collection of every Douglas Adams Hitchhiker's novel is full of genius and hilarious insights into modern societal inefficiences, all packaged into a captivating and endearing story about humanity and alienity. And no, I didn't copy that from the book jacket.
Why it's important to the world that I like it: This world in which I love this book is actually only one of a series of parallel Earths. Many of these Earths were actually destroyed to make room for an intergalactic bypass, but a few of them remain - the few in which I love this book! If I didn't love this book, it's very possible that the parallel universes would converge, time would fold itself back up to the point at which all the other Earths were destroyed, and my friendship with all of you might never have existed.

Thing I like: Animal Crossing

Why I like it: Because I'm an idiot. Even though I've had this Gamecube game for two years, I still get excited about waking up each day, heading down to the trading post, and seeing what kind of furniture is for sale. And let's not talk about the New Year's Eve that I was at home and actually went to check on the animals' celebration of the event (though I still have the free noisemaker I received for attending!)
Why it's important to the world that I like it: Who will weed the fictional village if I don't?! Who will go around and dig up fossils for the museum display?! Who will deliver Chow the Panda's glasses case to Tiara the Rhino?! Nobody will. The political, cultural, and emotional fabric of magical animal villages everywhere will deteriorate, and we will all be a little less happy.

Thing I like: Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life

Why I like it: Because I'm even more of an idiot. This farming simulation (also for Gamecube) is, in my opinion, a step back from Harvest Moon 64. In HM 64 I was able to enter my vegetables and animals into competitions, for which I would receive prizes and, if lucky, product upgrades (like golden milk). From what I've seen playing into the autumn quarter of HM: AWL, I can't do any of this anymore. The seasonal festivals consist not of competitions, but of sitting around the "artist" Gustafa's hut and listening to him play his guitar. I wouldn't mind such a festival if the cutscenes were a little more entertaining and interactive, but they're not, so I do. Oh, and I hate Gustafa. Whenever I try to engage him in conversation, he says something pretentious like, "The fall is the perfect season for me to write poems in." Not only have I not seen his poems, but I doubt that someone who ends his sentences in prepositions can write even a semi-passable poem. I hate him so much.

What a bastard!

Why it's important to the world that I like it: Pretty much the same reason it's important for me to like Animal Crossing. Just replace "magical animal villages" with "magical seaside farming communities." And take out the Chow the Panda and Tiara the Rhino part, although I think that's pretty obvious.

Thing I like: My cats.

Why I like them: When I hide around the corner and poke my head out, they run for me and make a little "mew" sound. It's pretty cute, but then I get mad that I'm so bad at hiding around corners and I cry.
Why it's important to the world that I like them: It is written in the hieroglyphs of ancient Egpyt that cats will one day rise to rule us all with an iron and litter-scented fist. The longer I can entertain them with silly little games, the longer we have to build the feline death ray.

Thing I like: Having a job that I can do on the Internet.
Why I like it: Tutor.com is going to pay me to tutor kids from my own room. You'll understand how great this is when you replace "tutor kids" with "pretend to tutor kids but really ignore them and enjoy everything I've listed above." And also replace "my own room" with "a magical animal village."
Why it's important to the world that I like it: If I didn't work at home, I'd hold some office job where I'd attempt to undermine the entire corporate structure of America. This attempt would, of course, succeed in two to three months, and the American economy would fall apart. None of you would be able to afford food, so you would come to me begging for the virtual tomatoes I just grew in Harvest Moon. "I'm sorry," I would declare. "You came a bit late for the fall harvest. But here's a mushroom I picked in the forest. Enjoy."