Lob-Sided (Not featuring Lobsters)

As my readership has expanded from five people per day to "over" five people per day, I've come under increasing pressure from lobbyists looking to get their causes mentioned somewhere herein. As of yet, I've rebuffed such efforts with a simple snub of my nose. Given the dryish weather of late, though, this has led to some chafing. So before I become the next Noseless Nancy, let me address these pressure groups by addressing them. Rock!

Israel
I'm an American; thus, the strongest lobby of course comes from Israel; specifically, a man named Amit has been following me around looking particularly bloggy-eyed. At the moment his only demand is to well represent his character, though it's also been hinted that I should stop posting notices about PLO bake sales.

A bomb-shaped cake? Or a metaphor for this post?

Well let me appease Amit for now (appeasement always works) by reminding readers that he was never convicted on the baby molesting charges. The case fell apart when the prosecution failed to build a consistent story concerning which spices he'd begun to sprinkle on the baby's head.

Pro-Choicers
Yawn so apparently people still care about abortion. I thought Match Point (abortion spoiler alert!) had effectively put an end to the debate by showing that not having an abortion could kill Scarlett Johansson, but it seems most women are jealous of Scarlett and want her dead. That's why pro-choice groups have been begging me to write an entry where I re-envision the movie in a way that ends with a really hot guy getting murdered instead. The task kind of intrigues me, but unfortunately I have a condition that makes it very difficult for me to write anything in which I might die. Sorry.

Lettuce Manufacturers
I recently read a pretty scary story about a kitten who was playing around in the kitchen and got hidden under a large leaf of lettuce. The chef was busy on the phone, didn't notice, and actually served the salad to some customers. Luckily, the restaurant in discussion was Mexican, where nobody actually orders salad, so the kitten was saved. Still, this shocking story alerted the press to the danger of large lettuce. "Can you," the industry requested of me, "help soothe people's fears about lettuce accidents? " I can, but only after my demand of decentralizing lettuce in grocery stores is met. Every head of lettuce should be sold in a different aisle, and some should even be sold out in the parking lot. As long as all those heads are together in one produce crate, people will deservedly continue to fear lettuce.

Perverts/Nerds/Other Synonyms
Look, I can't always write posts about hot Star Trek women and hot video game characters. The more sultriness I reveal to others, the less I have to selfishly keep to myself. I'll give you one more (Mia Fey, spiritual lawyer from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney), but because you've been bothering me, I'm not going to give you high-resolution game art. I'm going to give you wood-carved bookends.

The Music Industry
This is the most understandable lobby I've had to deal with so far. People in the know in the business in Hollywood think my mediocre blogging ability can easily be parlayed into a multi-platinum CD. They're right. Bing Crosby got his start in blogging, and now it's my turn. I have stars in my eyes and and a song in my heart, so finish your day by following the link below, turning up your speakers, and enjoying a demo snippet from my upcoming megadisc. I basically turn the pasta genre on its heels while at the same time channeling the intensity of Kurt Russell's post-apocalyptic struggle in Escape from LA.

Presenting 54 seconds of MixMastahHolmes and DoktorPeace's "Spaghetti Restaurant."

Fool Me Forty-Once

I went to Bath this weekend. Ironically, I took a shower whilst I was there! Also, the mayor presented me with an award for being the first person ever to make that joke.

This is the only picture I took of Bath.

I'm supposed to be organizing a presentation on why the voluntary sector is a "soft system." I don't know what that means, so I'm not. I have written two lines, though, the first one introducing myself as a doctor and the second comparing soft systems to soft cookies. I think that from there I can pretty well segue into chocolate chip and toffee flavored cookies, fooling the class into forgetting everything they've ever learned about what education is supposed to be.

Ahh, but of course a fool of such magnitude requires a grand finale the likes of which has rarely been seen. For instance, the moon landing fooled the world into thinking the US was powerful only because Neil Armstrong hit a golf ball. The event would have been meaningless without that final pizang promising country club prospects. Similarly, God fooled the poly-gods into thinking that they were all one entity through Him by pitching a perfect game with his hat on backwards. In fact, how the hat was worn made no difference to the outcome; nevertheless, the effect provided the perfect punch needed to end animism.

Which is where I come in. I am going to fool my class by blowing their minds open with an entire new religion. On top of that, this new religion won't even be a religion. On top of that, I will present this neo-non-religion through the graphical prowess of PowerPoint! Here are a couple of slides:


This first slide suggests very strongly that our professor is a dragon. It does so using a difficult-to-read word art I chose to use because it rocks, America-style. This slide is meant to serve the dual purpose of appeasing the teacher while at the same time pulling the class away from him. My plan: The teacher gets drunk on his imaginary new dragon power, and, as he's distracted by his ambitious musings, I alert the students that they should follow me before he becomes too tyrannical.


This second slide basically serves the same purpose as the first. I talk about the prerequisites necessary for dragon-based power, those being Fire and the Lack of Water. The professor's eyes grow even wider as he sees the Fire advantage in each of the regions measured in the graph. I meanwhile move the class to the Southern side of the room, a region I conveniently left off the chart, where Water actually has a huge advantage.


The Grand Finale. I fill the background with an endangered tiger, symbolizing the struggle for survival my class has erupted into. Using the wingdings font I'm required to use in all presentations, I write "Power" at the bottom of the slide. The battle begins. My professor hurls himself at the nearest student, who unfortunately must die as a martyr. The rest of the students then fight back, charging and tearing at the professor with bloodlust.

"Stop!" I yell. Nothing. There is too much violent noise. "STOP" I scream again. This time my voice echoes against the walls of the elephant graveyard and everything. The masses cease and gaze at me. "This is all my doing, and I cannot let it go on any longer. Don't you see what I've done? I've fooled you into listening to me, into looking at my slides, into doing as I thought you would do. Now one of us is dead, and it's all because I didn't want to read articles about soft systems. Please, return to your normal lives. This hasn't made any sense, and it never will. I've used you as pawns of procrastination for my own entertainment. I accept your disapproval with complete understanding. I let my imagination run away with me. Go, and if you have the heart to do so, forget that you ever saw this."