I'm trying to warm up to type some more of my book - now titled The Things I'm Missing In Life: Sex, Smurfs, and Other S-Words - so I'm going to use this blog as a warm-up pitch.
By the way, warm-up pitch can be interpreted either baseball-wise or soccer-wise, and probably was interpreted variantly depending on your specific taste.
Interesting... mayhaps I'll write my whole next chapter using phrases that are interpreted differently by different people. Then nobody will think they've read the same book as their neighbor, and when they buy a copy for their neighbor who claims they haven't read it, they'll realize far too late that they now own multiple copies of my book. Dollars in my pocket!
Dollars in my pocket (my interpretation): American money in my pants.
Dollars in my pocket (an oceanographer's interpetation): Sand dollars in the pocket of the Marianas Trench.
Dollars in my pocket (a candy-loving slut's interpretation): A Payday in her vagina.
By the way again, that title I mentioned up there isn't actually the title of my book. I lied because I do that sometimes.
Time for a paragraph exercise! I am now going to type for one minute about the weekend I spent in Minnesota, not lifting my hands from the keyboard until the time is up.
Ready.... go!
First we went in a car to the cities and sang about how much Jesus loves children in Spanish and we also talked about the monkey head that my grandma bought my sister for Christmas. It really sounds like it says hello to you when you turn it on and it really seems like a real monkey head. Actually no I lied it's a chimp head. I like to pet its hair when nobody's looking and pretend that I'm it's mother. Would you like some cheese, little monkey I mean chimp? You wouldn't? Well you'd better eat it before...
TIME!
So that was my weekend in Minnesota. Let me just look over what I wrote for a second...
Uh huh. Uh huh. Ohhhhh. Gross! Uh huh. COOOOL!
Seems pretty accurate. I think I'm ready to work on my book now. It's new title is The Army: An Investigation into the use of Chimp Heads in World War II.
I lied again.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
As You Don't Like It
Since I apparently semi-offended a blogger who had already altered the title of Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" to "An Immodest Proposal" in my last post (a blogger who seems to run internet searches on his own blog title almost constantly), I now hope to semi-offend someone who blogs under an altered Shakespeare title. Allow me, however, to strike against these offendees with the following: Slight derivation from a classic piece of genius is not genius in itself.
Alright, now that that jumbled introduction is out of the way, I might as well do what my post title infers I'll do and talk about things that aren't liked. Specifically, things that aren't liked by you, the anonymous reader. Unfortunately, because my audience is so diverse (I'm pretty sure at least one Indian person visits here), the things that all of you don't like are going to be pretty general. So, sorry about the generic quality of the list, but if you don't like it, then guess what: You're already feeding the list! Gotcha!
1. Commander in Chief
I'm pretty sure that all of you hate this. Making a woman the president may be one of the most interesting developments our real political system could experience, but making a woman the president on a weekly, hour-long ABC drama is intolerable. I've never seen the show, but I'm pretty sure that I know the exact plot of every episode, which would put this show on the same level as *vomit* Everybody Loves Raymond.
2. Blog posts that aren't lists.
I actually don't think all of you hate this, but for my own sake I'm going to try to make you hate it. I can't seem to stop myself from posting in such a fashion. I could switch things up by posting sections of the book I actually started writing, but I don't trust you thieves enough to do so. Also preventing me from doing that is the fact that the book is currently titled Hey! Here's a Book of Lists!
So then, here's a "non-fictional" quote from a common trendsetter I talked to on the streets today: "Lists are hip and you know it! Groove on up to lists you cool cats and you'll be sweetin' in the pockets of all the kids, word! Old-fashioned writin' with paragraphs and shit is for old dudes, man, so shut your face and love the list!"
Wow. Looks like lists are pretty cool, so you better not like anything else.
3. Jazz shows at the local civic center.
I'm sure that all of you have noticed how your community's recently-developed art hall caters almost solely to local musicians, especially jazz musicans. You probably don't like this lack of variety. Well, no more not liking for you! My partner, Patrick Hayden, and I have produced a completely original show for your community to accept and admire! It's a combo matinee, late-night event for the whole family.
During the day, I treat the retired community to "Jokes for the Old Folks," an hour-long laugh-fest that'll have the audience literally gasping for air in the aisles (paramedics are provided on location). Example: What's the deal with the New Deal? It's like these jobs were just created out of thin air, though I'm pretty sure that most of the thin air already exploded on the Hindenburg!
At night it's "Bloody Jokes for the Bloody Blokes," a youth-targeted adapation featuring the same bite as the matinee show, only even more topical! And it's entirely British themed! Example: Oi! What's the f'ing deal with birds always takin' so long in the loo? It's like they're powderin' their minch or somethin'! Oi!
And of course, both shows are preceded by Patrick Hayden as "The Edgar Allen Poser," a tragically hilarious character who wanders the auditorium looking for his lost love Annabel Lee. But don't think he'll be so despondent that he won't stop for a second, point at that token nerd in the crowd and shout "Quoth the Raven: Never Score!" Ha! Oh man, let's just hope he doesn't brick us all up in the theater!
4. Premature endings.
I can tell from the fact that you all do like Brokeback Mountain and The New World that you are all very insistent that the story be completed in full, no matter how many hours and already-sufficient endings have to pass. Unfortunately for you, I feel that it's in keeping with theme that I make this post something that you ultimately don't like.
Alright, now that that jumbled introduction is out of the way, I might as well do what my post title infers I'll do and talk about things that aren't liked. Specifically, things that aren't liked by you, the anonymous reader. Unfortunately, because my audience is so diverse (I'm pretty sure at least one Indian person visits here), the things that all of you don't like are going to be pretty general. So, sorry about the generic quality of the list, but if you don't like it, then guess what: You're already feeding the list! Gotcha!
1. Commander in Chief
I'm pretty sure that all of you hate this. Making a woman the president may be one of the most interesting developments our real political system could experience, but making a woman the president on a weekly, hour-long ABC drama is intolerable. I've never seen the show, but I'm pretty sure that I know the exact plot of every episode, which would put this show on the same level as *vomit* Everybody Loves Raymond.
2. Blog posts that aren't lists.
I actually don't think all of you hate this, but for my own sake I'm going to try to make you hate it. I can't seem to stop myself from posting in such a fashion. I could switch things up by posting sections of the book I actually started writing, but I don't trust you thieves enough to do so. Also preventing me from doing that is the fact that the book is currently titled Hey! Here's a Book of Lists!
So then, here's a "non-fictional" quote from a common trendsetter I talked to on the streets today: "Lists are hip and you know it! Groove on up to lists you cool cats and you'll be sweetin' in the pockets of all the kids, word! Old-fashioned writin' with paragraphs and shit is for old dudes, man, so shut your face and love the list!"
Wow. Looks like lists are pretty cool, so you better not like anything else.
3. Jazz shows at the local civic center.
I'm sure that all of you have noticed how your community's recently-developed art hall caters almost solely to local musicians, especially jazz musicans. You probably don't like this lack of variety. Well, no more not liking for you! My partner, Patrick Hayden, and I have produced a completely original show for your community to accept and admire! It's a combo matinee, late-night event for the whole family.
During the day, I treat the retired community to "Jokes for the Old Folks," an hour-long laugh-fest that'll have the audience literally gasping for air in the aisles (paramedics are provided on location). Example: What's the deal with the New Deal? It's like these jobs were just created out of thin air, though I'm pretty sure that most of the thin air already exploded on the Hindenburg!
At night it's "Bloody Jokes for the Bloody Blokes," a youth-targeted adapation featuring the same bite as the matinee show, only even more topical! And it's entirely British themed! Example: Oi! What's the f'ing deal with birds always takin' so long in the loo? It's like they're powderin' their minch or somethin'! Oi!
And of course, both shows are preceded by Patrick Hayden as "The Edgar Allen Poser," a tragically hilarious character who wanders the auditorium looking for his lost love Annabel Lee. But don't think he'll be so despondent that he won't stop for a second, point at that token nerd in the crowd and shout "Quoth the Raven: Never Score!" Ha! Oh man, let's just hope he doesn't brick us all up in the theater!
4. Premature endings.
I can tell from the fact that you all do like Brokeback Mountain and The New World that you are all very insistent that the story be completed in full, no matter how many hours and already-sufficient endings have to pass. Unfortunately for you, I feel that it's in keeping with theme that I make this post something that you ultimately don't like.
Friday, January 20, 2006
An Immodest Proposal
In the past couple of days I have undergone a scathing attack from what is not but will be referred to here as the right-wing propaganda machine.
First, the self-proclaimed ethics policeman Patrick Hayden called me "lazy" for the way I prepared my sandwich. I apologize to him and all others who were offended by my calling a microwaved-cheese sandwich a grilled-cheese sandwich. Maybe you Midwestern-ers won't understand this, but where I grew up on the East Coast things were fast. I had to get from my home in the DC suburb of Rockville onto the White House lawn as soon as any big news hit. I didn't have time to sit back and watch the flies gather around slowly-warming bread. I had to get to work and report the story so that you people across the country could sit back on your dairy-are's (pun intended) and relaxingly learn what's actually going on in the world. You're welcome.
Second, and perhaps even more unfoundedly, my supposed friend Dave over at Life After 208 accused my webbery of being "Alive, but Quiet." While I will admit that I've yet to get back into the blogging groove since the holidays, I protest to his obviously slanted dubbing of my 3-posts-since-Christmas "quiet." Let us take a look at the accurate statistics:
Blog Title: Imaginary Lines
Dave's Opinion of the Blog's Status: Alive, but Quiet
Posts Since Christmas: 3 (4, including this one)
Blog Title: Chris and Qualler's Pop Culture Blogulator
Dave's Opinion of the Blog's Status: Alive
Posts Since Christmas: 3 (still 3, including this one, because this post is on my blog)
Blog Title: Watery, Domestic
Dave's Opinion of the Blog's Status: Alive
Posts Since Christmas: 4 at the time of Dave's assessment.
Blog Title: Arun in Brooklyn
Dave's Opinion of the Blog's Status: Sinking Back into the Grave
Posts Since Christmas: 3.
How interesting. How very interesting.
Allow me to add up the statistics now, since others have proven untrustworthy:
3 (Mode number of posts) + 2 (Number of "Alive Blogs") + 3 (Total number of authors involved in the 2 "Alive Blogs") = 8 blow jobs (given to Dave by these authors).
3 (Mode number of posts) + 2 (Number of unfairly-assessed blogs) + 2 (Total number of authors involved in the 2 unfairly-assessed blogs) = 7 units of integrity (for not selling out to Dave's obvious sexual tyranny).
Putting all the numbers and legitimized fury aside, the core of my post here is to reverse any aura of "Quiet" allegedly surrounding this webbery.
So here are 5 upsetting headlines taken off of BBC News, tripled with the problems said headlines identify and my proposals to solve the problems:
__________________________
Headline: "Iraq set for final poll results"
Problem: Iraq may be "set" for the results, but they are not exactly "prepared." For any kind of election results you need a big ballroom with lots of old white people. Iraq doesn't have very many white people.
Proposal: Send a bunch of out-of-work actors from LA to Iraq for the results. If all goes off as planned, the ballroom parties are a big success. If something horrible happens and the old actors are captured or killed, then at least we don't have to worry about providing them with social security.
Headline: "Slovak plane crash leaves 42 dead."
Problem: Planes are a dangerous form of transportation, especially in countries under 15 years old.
Proposal: Necessitate an age requirement for countries that want to have planes. You have to be at least 25 years old and have a good record of car transportation. And you can't be black.
Headline: "Soul singer Wilson Pickett dies."
Problem: People have heart attacks and die.
Proposal: No more dying. This would also solve the last headline's problem. And don't worry about running out of resources for people to survive. We'll just adapt Jonathan Swift's original Modest Proposal and start eating babies.
Headline: "David Ryan infiltrates blogging world with sexual subversion." (link broken)
Problem: Blog status assessments are tilted in favor of those who allow Mr. Ryan to improperly take advantage of them.
Proposal: Castration. Of all parties involved.
Headline: "Snake 'befriends' snack hamster."
Problem: Inappropriate special cohabitation threatens the, ahem, CIIIIIIIIIIRCLE OOFFF LIIIIIIIIIIFFEE! (Cut to black screen with title.)
Proposal: Cut off small parts of the snake's tail (which it can grow back), feeding these parts to the hamster. Perhaps put pellet sauce or something on the snake bits to make them even more savory to the rodent. Eventually, the hamster will so crave snake meat that he'll start nibbling on the snake. And so the nature-demanded bloodbath begins.
Perhaps it's the fear of David Ryan that keeps these two together.
First, the self-proclaimed ethics policeman Patrick Hayden called me "lazy" for the way I prepared my sandwich. I apologize to him and all others who were offended by my calling a microwaved-cheese sandwich a grilled-cheese sandwich. Maybe you Midwestern-ers won't understand this, but where I grew up on the East Coast things were fast. I had to get from my home in the DC suburb of Rockville onto the White House lawn as soon as any big news hit. I didn't have time to sit back and watch the flies gather around slowly-warming bread. I had to get to work and report the story so that you people across the country could sit back on your dairy-are's (pun intended) and relaxingly learn what's actually going on in the world. You're welcome.
Second, and perhaps even more unfoundedly, my supposed friend Dave over at Life After 208 accused my webbery of being "Alive, but Quiet." While I will admit that I've yet to get back into the blogging groove since the holidays, I protest to his obviously slanted dubbing of my 3-posts-since-Christmas "quiet." Let us take a look at the accurate statistics:
Blog Title: Imaginary Lines
Dave's Opinion of the Blog's Status: Alive, but Quiet
Posts Since Christmas: 3 (4, including this one)
Blog Title: Chris and Qualler's Pop Culture Blogulator
Dave's Opinion of the Blog's Status: Alive
Posts Since Christmas: 3 (still 3, including this one, because this post is on my blog)
Blog Title: Watery, Domestic
Dave's Opinion of the Blog's Status: Alive
Posts Since Christmas: 4 at the time of Dave's assessment.
Blog Title: Arun in Brooklyn
Dave's Opinion of the Blog's Status: Sinking Back into the Grave
Posts Since Christmas: 3.
How interesting. How very interesting.
Allow me to add up the statistics now, since others have proven untrustworthy:
3 (Mode number of posts) + 2 (Number of "Alive Blogs") + 3 (Total number of authors involved in the 2 "Alive Blogs") = 8 blow jobs (given to Dave by these authors).
3 (Mode number of posts) + 2 (Number of unfairly-assessed blogs) + 2 (Total number of authors involved in the 2 unfairly-assessed blogs) = 7 units of integrity (for not selling out to Dave's obvious sexual tyranny).
Putting all the numbers and legitimized fury aside, the core of my post here is to reverse any aura of "Quiet" allegedly surrounding this webbery.
So here are 5 upsetting headlines taken off of BBC News, tripled with the problems said headlines identify and my proposals to solve the problems:
__________________________
Headline: "Iraq set for final poll results"
Problem: Iraq may be "set" for the results, but they are not exactly "prepared." For any kind of election results you need a big ballroom with lots of old white people. Iraq doesn't have very many white people.
Proposal: Send a bunch of out-of-work actors from LA to Iraq for the results. If all goes off as planned, the ballroom parties are a big success. If something horrible happens and the old actors are captured or killed, then at least we don't have to worry about providing them with social security.
Headline: "Slovak plane crash leaves 42 dead."
Problem: Planes are a dangerous form of transportation, especially in countries under 15 years old.
Proposal: Necessitate an age requirement for countries that want to have planes. You have to be at least 25 years old and have a good record of car transportation. And you can't be black.
Headline: "Soul singer Wilson Pickett dies."
Problem: People have heart attacks and die.
Proposal: No more dying. This would also solve the last headline's problem. And don't worry about running out of resources for people to survive. We'll just adapt Jonathan Swift's original Modest Proposal and start eating babies.
Headline: "David Ryan infiltrates blogging world with sexual subversion." (link broken)
Problem: Blog status assessments are tilted in favor of those who allow Mr. Ryan to improperly take advantage of them.
Proposal: Castration. Of all parties involved.
Headline: "Snake 'befriends' snack hamster."
Problem: Inappropriate special cohabitation threatens the, ahem, CIIIIIIIIIIRCLE OOFFF LIIIIIIIIIIFFEE! (Cut to black screen with title.)
Proposal: Cut off small parts of the snake's tail (which it can grow back), feeding these parts to the hamster. Perhaps put pellet sauce or something on the snake bits to make them even more savory to the rodent. Eventually, the hamster will so crave snake meat that he'll start nibbling on the snake. And so the nature-demanded bloodbath begins.
Perhaps it's the fear of David Ryan that keeps these two together.____________________________
"Silence" broken, Dave.
And I'll see you tonight in Chicago. Yay for friendship!
And I'll see you tonight in Chicago. Yay for friendship!
Monday, January 16, 2006
Delicious!
I just made a remarkable discovery:
Eating grilled cheese sandwiches in the shower is delicious!
Surely, you, too, wish to experience this ethereal joy, so I will provide you with the circumstances that made this experience so astounding:
1. I was hungry. It is possible that this wonder is so amazing that even a full stomach will accept it, but hunger is a precursor to certain enjoyment.
2. I used deli-style Monterey Jack that had been slightly aged by refrigeration. The age made the cheese a bit more solid, which is essential. You don't want a cheese that's a breaking risk in the shower.
3. I surrounded the cheese with two pieces of oatnut bread. At first I was hesitant to do this, seeing as how the nuts had the potential to take away from the main taste of cheese, yet in the end there were no regrets. The nuts so complimented the cheese, which so complimented the oat, which, of course, was coupled with the nuts, that a true communism of flavor fulfilled every Marxist's utopian dream.
4. I microwaved on high for 15 seconds. Again, I feared weakening the cheese tension. I don't really know if I was right in this fear, because it was never realized, but I do really know that my evasion of it created exactly the cheese density I desired.
* My one regret in this creation was my choice of beverage. I chose to drink ice water, thinking this would perfectly compliment a hot shower without taking anything away from the sandwich itself. There was no negative effect on my experience due to this, and it's a very safe choice if you're afraid of making a horrible choice. But ice water really adds nothing to the experience besides brief refreshment.
And that's about it. Take off your clothes, get in the shower with your sandwich, and enjoy!
...
Wait! No! I forgot to tell you the most important part. DO NOT GET THE SANDWICH WET! Your body should be wet, not the sandwich. I suggest the "back to stream position," in which you face away from the shower head, blocking the water with your body. You can concentrate on full body cleansing after you've returned from heaven.
Bon appetit!
Eating grilled cheese sandwiches in the shower is delicious!
Surely, you, too, wish to experience this ethereal joy, so I will provide you with the circumstances that made this experience so astounding:
1. I was hungry. It is possible that this wonder is so amazing that even a full stomach will accept it, but hunger is a precursor to certain enjoyment.
2. I used deli-style Monterey Jack that had been slightly aged by refrigeration. The age made the cheese a bit more solid, which is essential. You don't want a cheese that's a breaking risk in the shower.
3. I surrounded the cheese with two pieces of oatnut bread. At first I was hesitant to do this, seeing as how the nuts had the potential to take away from the main taste of cheese, yet in the end there were no regrets. The nuts so complimented the cheese, which so complimented the oat, which, of course, was coupled with the nuts, that a true communism of flavor fulfilled every Marxist's utopian dream.
4. I microwaved on high for 15 seconds. Again, I feared weakening the cheese tension. I don't really know if I was right in this fear, because it was never realized, but I do really know that my evasion of it created exactly the cheese density I desired.
* My one regret in this creation was my choice of beverage. I chose to drink ice water, thinking this would perfectly compliment a hot shower without taking anything away from the sandwich itself. There was no negative effect on my experience due to this, and it's a very safe choice if you're afraid of making a horrible choice. But ice water really adds nothing to the experience besides brief refreshment.
And that's about it. Take off your clothes, get in the shower with your sandwich, and enjoy!
...
Wait! No! I forgot to tell you the most important part. DO NOT GET THE SANDWICH WET! Your body should be wet, not the sandwich. I suggest the "back to stream position," in which you face away from the shower head, blocking the water with your body. You can concentrate on full body cleansing after you've returned from heaven.
Bon appetit!
Thursday, January 12, 2006
5 Minutes Ago
About five minutes ago I was the maddest I've been in a long time. Let me set the scene:
I was playing FIFA 2006. I had just lost against the computer 3-0 in a game that included me flailing my head about enough to throw my glasses across the room, biting my chair. and yelling phrases such as "Dear team: The ball is on the other side fo the field you idiots!", "Do you even want to play?!", and "Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid...!",
Anyway, I decided that after this debacle I might cheer myself up with a good online showing (a supposition that was wholly unsupported given the fact that similar eruptions of violence and screaming occurred when I played online about an hour earlier and blew a one goal lead twice). So I went "onto the web" and took my Czech national squad against FIFA coverboy Ronaldhino's FC Barcelona. I grabbed the early lead 1-0, only to blow it about two minutes later. Times were dire for my sanity until the 60th minute when midfielder Rosicky lashed a 30 yard strike from the right side, giving my side a 2-1 advantage that had a slight scent of legitimacy to it. Barcelona attacked, winning numerous corners in the closing seconds, but each of their attempts missed slightly, and I was left with a goal kick to seal the deal in the 90th minute.
But before I could kick... "Connection with EA Online has been lost." Don't panic. My opponent must have left the game early or something and I would get the win. Right? Not so. Apparently my service had had its first surge ever, forcing me to log back on and find myself with both a loss and a "Did Not Finish."
Unbelievable. F'ing unbelievable.
I leapt out of my chair, threw the controller completely through the television and the stained-glass window behind the television. I raced to my closet, punched a hole in the door instead of opening it, and grabbed my emergency supply of dynamite. I threw the dynamite into the car that I set on fire earlier tonight, and I waited for the end to come.
It came, and it passed, and I was left alone in a field of ash. I had destroyed everything I owned, killed my family, and doomed myself to a lifetime of incarceration. All for a soccer video game.
And I'll do it again in an hour.
An Artist's Rendering of 5 Minutes Ago.
I was playing FIFA 2006. I had just lost against the computer 3-0 in a game that included me flailing my head about enough to throw my glasses across the room, biting my chair. and yelling phrases such as "Dear team: The ball is on the other side fo the field you idiots!", "Do you even want to play?!", and "Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid...!",
Anyway, I decided that after this debacle I might cheer myself up with a good online showing (a supposition that was wholly unsupported given the fact that similar eruptions of violence and screaming occurred when I played online about an hour earlier and blew a one goal lead twice). So I went "onto the web" and took my Czech national squad against FIFA coverboy Ronaldhino's FC Barcelona. I grabbed the early lead 1-0, only to blow it about two minutes later. Times were dire for my sanity until the 60th minute when midfielder Rosicky lashed a 30 yard strike from the right side, giving my side a 2-1 advantage that had a slight scent of legitimacy to it. Barcelona attacked, winning numerous corners in the closing seconds, but each of their attempts missed slightly, and I was left with a goal kick to seal the deal in the 90th minute.
But before I could kick... "Connection with EA Online has been lost." Don't panic. My opponent must have left the game early or something and I would get the win. Right? Not so. Apparently my service had had its first surge ever, forcing me to log back on and find myself with both a loss and a "Did Not Finish."
Unbelievable. F'ing unbelievable.
I leapt out of my chair, threw the controller completely through the television and the stained-glass window behind the television. I raced to my closet, punched a hole in the door instead of opening it, and grabbed my emergency supply of dynamite. I threw the dynamite into the car that I set on fire earlier tonight, and I waited for the end to come.
It came, and it passed, and I was left alone in a field of ash. I had destroyed everything I owned, killed my family, and doomed myself to a lifetime of incarceration. All for a soccer video game.
And I'll do it again in an hour.
An Artist's Rendering of 5 Minutes Ago.Thursday, January 05, 2006
A Time to Post
The following was shouted at me the other day whilst I strolled my daily stroll down Bluemound Road:
"Oi! Brammer! Whut's the problem, mate? You think you can just go for a natter after the Blogulution Awards? Get back on the cross and get sumpin' done, ya tart!"
After some moderately intense dialect research, I discovered that the person who shouted at me was in fact a soccer fan from the Bristol area of England, and they were very displeased with my lack of posting. I accepted their insult (after my quick run to the library for the aforementioned research), apologized, and told them that if they wanted to soothe their displeasement they should head over to the Sbarro at Brookfield Square.
"Oi! Fuck off!"
And then they left.
I raced home, my daily stroll forgotten as tears streamed down my face. Curse my blogging sloth! As I ran, I felt nothing of the pleasantness that Bluemound Road and it's every-chain-store-possible-on-one-stretch-of-road vista usually inspires in me. I felt only shame, regret, and a need for reconciliation.
But as I logged onto my webbery, I realized that something was horribly wrong. Blogspot told me that my account had expired 10 years ago... in 2035!!!
What?! Confusion! Science Fiction!
I had to figure out what was going on, so I virtually raced over to my friends' webberies. Here is what I found:
Life After 208 - Dec. 28, 2005
The Blogulution Awards were rawesome! Seriously, great times had by all. Check out these red carpet pics:
Metzger dared to go pink in December... and it worked!
Oh, and last night's Gilmore Girls was rawesome and hottt with three "t"s!
Chris and Qualler's Pop Culture Blogulator - Mar. 14, 2014
Alright, so we were pretty wrong about Peter Jackson not being the greatest director ever. His newest King Kong movie is a true testament to the dichotomous exploration of technology versus emotion. The plot is stellar, launching King Kong into a world of blogs, in which his only chance of saving the girl is the slim possibility that he'll comment on the right blog on the right post... at the right time! Genius!
wandering through central park...just as the asteroid hit...was beautiful and horrible, in the same way as The Constantines latest album...my students continue to struggle with the new approach to logarithms...if only I could get them the proper textbooks, but the wall into Jersey is too heavily guarded right now by soldiers of the Newark Resistance Front...
love...peace...
Life of a Hero - October 9, 2031
I saved 14 more people today. That brings the total to somewhere around 13,000 since this blog was started back in February '06. I'm pretty good at this. If only I were good enough to figure out what happened to Harry, though. Once in a long while I think I see a translucent, white figure that resembles him walking up and down Bluemound late at night. I'm probably just drunk on heroism when this happens, but I swear it looks like him.
Spanish Turtle - January 5, 2045
It's been more than 40 years now since Maria and I brought Ernie the dog home. Not once have I reconsidered. Nor have I reconsidered that surgery I paid for that fused Maria and Ernie into one dog/human creature. I love it so much, both as a dog and a person!
Oh, and Gilmore Girls Junior was rawesome!
?!?!??!!?!?!?
Now I look at the calendar and see that it actually is only 2006. I hallucinated the rest of that stuff.
(I publish this post and walk away from the computer, not noticing the slip of paper that falls from my pocket. It's a receipt from the Einstein Brothers bagelry on Bluemound Road for a spaceberry bagel... dated December 14, 2030.)
"Oi! Brammer! Whut's the problem, mate? You think you can just go for a natter after the Blogulution Awards? Get back on the cross and get sumpin' done, ya tart!"
After some moderately intense dialect research, I discovered that the person who shouted at me was in fact a soccer fan from the Bristol area of England, and they were very displeased with my lack of posting. I accepted their insult (after my quick run to the library for the aforementioned research), apologized, and told them that if they wanted to soothe their displeasement they should head over to the Sbarro at Brookfield Square.
"Oi! Fuck off!"
And then they left.
I raced home, my daily stroll forgotten as tears streamed down my face. Curse my blogging sloth! As I ran, I felt nothing of the pleasantness that Bluemound Road and it's every-chain-store-possible-on-one-stretch-of-road vista usually inspires in me. I felt only shame, regret, and a need for reconciliation.
But as I logged onto my webbery, I realized that something was horribly wrong. Blogspot told me that my account had expired 10 years ago... in 2035!!!
What?! Confusion! Science Fiction!
I had to figure out what was going on, so I virtually raced over to my friends' webberies. Here is what I found:
***********************
Life After 208 - Dec. 28, 2005
The Blogulution Awards were rawesome! Seriously, great times had by all. Check out these red carpet pics:
Metzger dared to go pink in December... and it worked!
Note to Dave: You're not black!
Chris and Qualler's Pop Culture Blogulator - Mar. 14, 2014
Alright, so we were pretty wrong about Peter Jackson not being the greatest director ever. His newest King Kong movie is a true testament to the dichotomous exploration of technology versus emotion. The plot is stellar, launching King Kong into a world of blogs, in which his only chance of saving the girl is the slim possibility that he'll comment on the right blog on the right post... at the right time! Genius!
Arun in Brooklyn - June. 17, 2028
wandering through central park...just as the asteroid hit...was beautiful and horrible, in the same way as The Constantines latest album...my students continue to struggle with the new approach to logarithms...if only I could get them the proper textbooks, but the wall into Jersey is too heavily guarded right now by soldiers of the Newark Resistance Front...
love...peace...
Life of a Hero - October 9, 2031
I saved 14 more people today. That brings the total to somewhere around 13,000 since this blog was started back in February '06. I'm pretty good at this. If only I were good enough to figure out what happened to Harry, though. Once in a long while I think I see a translucent, white figure that resembles him walking up and down Bluemound late at night. I'm probably just drunk on heroism when this happens, but I swear it looks like him.
Spanish Turtle - January 5, 2045
It's been more than 40 years now since Maria and I brought Ernie the dog home. Not once have I reconsidered. Nor have I reconsidered that surgery I paid for that fused Maria and Ernie into one dog/human creature. I love it so much, both as a dog and a person!
Oh, and Gilmore Girls Junior was rawesome!
******************
So much of the future has already happened!?!?!??!!?!?!?
Now I look at the calendar and see that it actually is only 2006. I hallucinated the rest of that stuff.
(I publish this post and walk away from the computer, not noticing the slip of paper that falls from my pocket. It's a receipt from the Einstein Brothers bagelry on Bluemound Road for a spaceberry bagel... dated December 14, 2030.)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
