5 Minutes Ago

About five minutes ago I was the maddest I've been in a long time. Let me set the scene:

I was playing FIFA 2006. I had just lost against the computer 3-0 in a game that included me flailing my head about enough to throw my glasses across the room, biting my chair. and yelling phrases such as "Dear team: The ball is on the other side fo the field you idiots!", "Do you even want to play?!", and "Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid...!",

Anyway, I decided that after this debacle I might cheer myself up with a good online showing (a supposition that was wholly unsupported given the fact that similar eruptions of violence and screaming occurred when I played online about an hour earlier and blew a one goal lead twice). So I went "onto the web" and took my Czech national squad against FIFA coverboy Ronaldhino's FC Barcelona. I grabbed the early lead 1-0, only to blow it about two minutes later. Times were dire for my sanity until the 60th minute when midfielder Rosicky lashed a 30 yard strike from the right side, giving my side a 2-1 advantage that had a slight scent of legitimacy to it. Barcelona attacked, winning numerous corners in the closing seconds, but each of their attempts missed slightly, and I was left with a goal kick to seal the deal in the 90th minute.

But before I could kick... "Connection with EA Online has been lost." Don't panic. My opponent must have left the game early or something and I would get the win. Right? Not so. Apparently my service had had its first surge ever, forcing me to log back on and find myself with both a loss and a "Did Not Finish."

Unbelievable. F'ing unbelievable.

I leapt out of my chair, threw the controller completely through the television and the stained-glass window behind the television. I raced to my closet, punched a hole in the door instead of opening it, and grabbed my emergency supply of dynamite. I threw the dynamite into the car that I set on fire earlier tonight, and I waited for the end to come.

It came, and it passed, and I was left alone in a field of ash. I had destroyed everything I owned, killed my family, and doomed myself to a lifetime of incarceration. All for a soccer video game.

And I'll do it again in an hour.

An Artist's Rendering of 5 Minutes Ago.