An Immodest Proposal

In the past couple of days I have undergone a scathing attack from what is not but will be referred to here as the right-wing propaganda machine.

First, the self-proclaimed ethics policeman Patrick Hayden called me "lazy" for the way I prepared my sandwich. I apologize to him and all others who were offended by my calling a microwaved-cheese sandwich a grilled-cheese sandwich. Maybe you Midwestern-ers won't understand this, but where I grew up on the East Coast things were fast. I had to get from my home in the DC suburb of Rockville onto the White House lawn as soon as any big news hit. I didn't have time to sit back and watch the flies gather around slowly-warming bread. I had to get to work and report the story so that you people across the country could sit back on your dairy-are's (pun intended) and relaxingly learn what's actually going on in the world. You're welcome.

Second, and perhaps even more unfoundedly, my supposed friend Dave over at Life After 208 accused my webbery of being "Alive, but Quiet." While I will admit that I've yet to get back into the blogging groove since the holidays, I protest to his obviously slanted dubbing of my 3-posts-since-Christmas "quiet." Let us take a look at the accurate statistics:

Blog Title: Imaginary Lines
Dave's Opinion of the Blog's Status: Alive, but Quiet
Posts Since Christmas: 3 (4, including this one)

Blog Title: Chris and Qualler's Pop Culture Blogulator
Dave's Opinion of the Blog's Status: Alive
Posts Since Christmas: 3 (still 3, including this one, because this post is on my blog)

Blog Title: Watery, Domestic
Dave's Opinion of the Blog's Status: Alive
Posts Since Christmas: 4 at the time of Dave's assessment.

Blog Title: Arun in Brooklyn
Dave's Opinion of the Blog's Status: Sinking Back into the Grave
Posts Since Christmas: 3.

How interesting. How very interesting.

Allow me to add up the statistics now, since others have proven untrustworthy:

3 (Mode number of posts) + 2 (Number of "Alive Blogs") + 3 (Total number of authors involved in the 2 "Alive Blogs") = 8 blow jobs (given to Dave by these authors).

3 (Mode number of posts) + 2 (Number of unfairly-assessed blogs) + 2 (Total number of authors involved in the 2 unfairly-assessed blogs) = 7 units of integrity (for not selling out to Dave's obvious sexual tyranny).

Putting all the numbers and legitimized fury aside, the core of my post here is to reverse any aura of "Quiet" allegedly surrounding this webbery.

So here are 5 upsetting headlines taken off of BBC News, tripled with the problems said headlines identify and my proposals to solve the problems:

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Headline: "Iraq set for final poll results"
Problem: Iraq may be "set" for the results, but they are not exactly "prepared." For any kind of election results you need a big ballroom with lots of old white people. Iraq doesn't have very many white people.
Proposal: Send a bunch of out-of-work actors from LA to Iraq for the results. If all goes off as planned, the ballroom parties are a big success. If something horrible happens and the old actors are captured or killed, then at least we don't have to worry about providing them with social security.

Headline: "Slovak plane crash leaves 42 dead."
Problem: Planes are a dangerous form of transportation, especially in countries under 15 years old.
Proposal: Necessitate an age requirement for countries that want to have planes. You have to be at least 25 years old and have a good record of car transportation. And you can't be black.

Headline: "Soul singer Wilson Pickett dies."
Problem: People have heart attacks and die.
Proposal: No more dying. This would also solve the last headline's problem. And don't worry about running out of resources for people to survive. We'll just adapt Jonathan Swift's original Modest Proposal and start eating babies.

Headline: "David Ryan infiltrates blogging world with sexual subversion." (link broken)
Problem: Blog status assessments are tilted in favor of those who allow Mr. Ryan to improperly take advantage of them.
Proposal: Castration. Of all parties involved.

Headline: "Snake 'befriends' snack hamster."
Problem: Inappropriate special cohabitation threatens the, ahem, CIIIIIIIIIIRCLE OOFFF LIIIIIIIIIIFFEE! (Cut to black screen with title.)
Proposal: Cut off small parts of the snake's tail (which it can grow back), feeding these parts to the hamster. Perhaps put pellet sauce or something on the snake bits to make them even more savory to the rodent. Eventually, the hamster will so crave snake meat that he'll start nibbling on the snake. And so the nature-demanded bloodbath begins.

Perhaps it's the fear of David Ryan that keeps these two together.

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"Silence" broken, Dave.

And I'll see you tonight in Chicago. Yay for friendship!