As You Don't Like It

Since I apparently semi-offended a blogger who had already altered the title of Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" to "An Immodest Proposal" in my last post (a blogger who seems to run internet searches on his own blog title almost constantly), I now hope to semi-offend someone who blogs under an altered Shakespeare title. Allow me, however, to strike against these offendees with the following: Slight derivation from a classic piece of genius is not genius in itself.

Alright, now that that jumbled introduction is out of the way, I might as well do what my post title infers I'll do and talk about things that aren't liked. Specifically, things that aren't liked by you, the anonymous reader. Unfortunately, because my audience is so diverse (I'm pretty sure at least one Indian person visits here), the things that all of you don't like are going to be pretty general. So, sorry about the generic quality of the list, but if you don't like it, then guess what: You're already feeding the list! Gotcha!


1. Commander in Chief
I'm pretty sure that all of you hate this. Making a woman the president may be one of the most interesting developments our real political system could experience, but making a woman the president on a weekly, hour-long ABC drama is intolerable. I've never seen the show, but I'm pretty sure that I know the exact plot of every episode, which would put this show on the same level as *vomit* Everybody Loves Raymond.

2. Blog posts that aren't lists.
I actually don't think all of you hate this, but for my own sake I'm going to try to make you hate it. I can't seem to stop myself from posting in such a fashion. I could switch things up by posting sections of the book I actually started writing, but I don't trust you thieves enough to do so. Also preventing me from doing that is the fact that the book is currently titled Hey! Here's a Book of Lists!

So then, here's a "non-fictional" quote from a common trendsetter I talked to on the streets today: "Lists are hip and you know it! Groove on up to lists you cool cats and you'll be sweetin' in the pockets of all the kids, word! Old-fashioned writin' with paragraphs and shit is for old dudes, man, so shut your face and love the list!"

Wow. Looks like lists are pretty cool, so you better not like anything else.

3. Jazz shows at the local civic center.
I'm sure that all of you have noticed how your community's recently-developed art hall caters almost solely to local musicians, especially jazz musicans. You probably don't like this lack of variety. Well, no more not liking for you! My partner, Patrick Hayden, and I have produced a completely original show for your community to accept and admire! It's a combo matinee, late-night event for the whole family.

During the day, I treat the retired community to "Jokes for the Old Folks," an hour-long laugh-fest that'll have the audience literally gasping for air in the aisles (paramedics are provided on location). Example: What's the deal with the New Deal? It's like these jobs were just created out of thin air, though I'm pretty sure that most of the thin air already exploded on the Hindenburg!

At night it's "Bloody Jokes for the Bloody Blokes," a youth-targeted adapation featuring the same bite as the matinee show, only even more topical! And it's entirely British themed! Example: Oi! What's the f'ing deal with birds always takin' so long in the loo? It's like they're powderin' their minch or somethin'! Oi!

And of course, both shows are preceded by Patrick Hayden as "The Edgar Allen Poser," a tragically hilarious character who wanders the auditorium looking for his lost love Annabel Lee. But don't think he'll be so despondent that he won't stop for a second, point at that token nerd in the crowd and shout "Quoth the Raven: Never Score!" Ha! Oh man, let's just hope he doesn't brick us all up in the theater!

4. Premature endings.
I can tell from the fact that you all do like Brokeback Mountain and The New World that you are all very insistent that the story be completed in full, no matter how many hours and already-sufficient endings have to pass. Unfortunately for you, I feel that it's in keeping with theme that I make this post something that you ultimately don't like.