Literary Idiocy

An insight into inane insanity:

On the Sentient Capabilities of Humana
Authored by Dr. Harry Brammer, “The Rebel Scientist”*

Stage One
The first few years provide very little data. The only thing remarkable about Stage One is Humana’s disgusting choice of Gerber’s mashed peas over Gerber’s mashed corn bits.

Stage Two
Once Humana emerges from the cocoon of toddlerdom, it is faced with a variety of natural perils especially dangerous to its species. The first is education. Education, or the natural process of learning and adapting to one’s environment, has been complicated for Humana by the parallel evolutions of species Mathematica, Politica, and Religiosa. These rival species flood the educational environment with ideas that exist both in and out of known space/time. It has been found that those Humana which best study the essence of these rivals survive significantly longer than others. However, of these survivors, a large percentage go mad with depression and whatcouldhavebeen-entia.

The second natural peril is love. Unfortunately, science is forced to shelve any further investigation into this realm until Hugh Grant returns to acting.

The third and ultimate natural peril is conscience. This is the most overwhelming burden on Humana, which unsurprisingly leads many of the species to slough it off. Conscience attacks Humana with the seeming paradoxes of survival and humanitarianism. When the option of survival is favored too greatly, diseases such as wealth and polo shirts quickly spread. However, when the option of humanitarianism survives, a sappiness that could fill a thousand syrup pitchers nourishes the population.

Stage Three
Humana returns to the dust from whence it came, as long as conscience has succeeded in making Humana realize that this dust is necessary.

*Dr. Harry Brammer has garnered the nickname “The Rebel Scientist” via his irreverent referencing of species using but a single Latin word instead of two. He is also completely ignorant of reality.