Metaphysical Explanations

People named Pat continue to ask me how I got a 30 pound weight into my basement. Because Pat has a math-based mind, he constantly runs the figures through a logarithm that fails to compensate for less tangible variables. Pat is also an idiot. Here are 3 historical philosophies as to how the weight travelled all they way from the always-disappointing Dunham's sporting goods store on Bluemound to the bottom floor of my house.

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Aristotle's explanation, from On the Polity's Well-Being

If a man is to truly involve himself in his surroundings, he must purchase a metal object with which to build his strength. What use is a man who cannot move a rock to build his home? He is of no use to his polity nor his family, and so he must exercise his Zeus-given muscles. The student asks, Is there not a paradox in telling a man to lift a weight he cannot lift? There is, but that is exactly what for the aqueducts have been structured. A piece of stone 5 six-pounds heavy can easily drift down the cavernous waterways to the man who needs its services. As can a woman drift down those same waterways, her services always belonging at the ready to please a man.

Machiavelli's explanation, from The Prince (edited, more buff version)
Any true prince will not struggle with the impossibility of lifting a weight of 6 five-pounds to his suburban basement. Nay, he will command the object to be moved, and so it will be moved. A command, when coming from a prince of high regard and high power, will force the public to envisage that it has been moved, even if it hasn't. They will fear death by swords in denying the prince's claim, and so they will abandon their good sense for the sake of the prince. A god's lie, they say, can move mountains. A prince's lie can move boulders.

Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda's explanation, from a May 8, 1991, press conference

Yeah, you know we just went out there and gave it our best today. It's still early in the season, and we would've liked our cleanup man to have had more RBI chances, but the way the Padres played defense out there they really deserved the win. We'll get 'em tomorrow, though, I can guarantee you that. Also, was anyone watching when Kirk Gibson accidentally threw a 30 pound weight out of the training room? It was insane, and my guess is it ended up somewhere in Wisconsin. Now pass the sunflower seeds, you sportswriting bums.

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There you have it. I didn't even include some of the more complex theories, such as St. Thomas Aquinas's "City of God" explanation (which involves angels and Venice's Muscle Beach), or the Wachowski brothers' hypothesis (which discusses the weight in terms of alternate dimensions and crappy, er... I mean timeless, love stories). Nevertheless, I think I've made the point that the appearance of a 30 pound weight in my basement is more than feasible.

Wait, my cat Midnight wants to add one more comment:

"Purrr, I think Harry can lift any weight, considering he can lift my fat brother Starlight! Mew-zing!"

The prince, the cat.