World 'Sup Honeys

I'm a mix-breed, so I can use ethnic phraseology.

Here's my World Cup post, pointing out some of the more interesting happenings and their effects on the future of the world. Also, if you're still obsessed with the honeys premise, you can check some out over at Fox Soccer Cha...huzzanahhuzzanah boing!

1. The Shoe-Kick (Germany/Sweden). When a German player lost his shoe, Swedish striker Henrik Larssen decided to kick it farther away from him. Inevitably this cockish move will anger Deutschland not one degree, not two degrees, oh no not three degrees, but FOUR whole degrees! Thus will emerge the Fourth Reich and begin the rumblings of war. The rumblings will cease, however, when everyone agrees to just let Germany bomb Larssen's house with day-old cheese. Smelly!

2. The Cards (Italy/USA, Netherlands/Portugal, Insert country/Insert nation.) As those watching indubitably know, the doling out of colored cards is out of control. Some experts have predicted this signals the reprise of Yellowcard and other emo/punk rock; it doesn't. Emo songs require some variant of the words trying/crying/dying, and these soccer cards are simply blank. Instrumental music cannot be fully emo, and so this relationship is incomplete.

In fact, the upflux of cards signals a linguistic trend in which your grandpa will start calling you and your friends a bunch of "cards." Nobody will know what he's really talking about or what this actually means (If the 2 of clubs = Carson Daly, then does the Queen of Diamonds = Shakira?), and your grandpa will probably die. My grandpas are already dead, so I won't care. Thanks for bringing it up, though (bastards).

Your grandpa calls her a card, too, but I don't want to say why.

3. The Jungle (Netherlands/Portugal). During the insanity that was this match, the Univision announcer proclaimed, in English, "Welcome to the Jungle." Hilarious at the time, yes, but a dire warning to citizens of either country involved in this rock metaphor. Both Portugal and the Netherlands are dependent upon their ports. Global warming will threaten to transform these beaches and docking areas into all-out monkey-infested jungles; uninhabitable and unusable. Something will have to be done, or the entire economies of these nations will collapse. Perhaps some adaptations could succeed, but, unfortunately, there's still no way for tropical regions to prosper in the Newton business; sorry, we have no bananas.

4. A Time for Friends (England/Ecuador). Near the final whistle, Wayne Rooney showed himself to be the cocksprout I've seen in Premiership games by condescendingly rubbing the hair of an Ecuadorian player. Again the Univision announcer prophesized in English, naming this gesture "A Time for Friends." This will backfire on England, for there is actually less relative time in England than there is on the equator in Ecuador (given the sun = time theory). Ecuadorians will garner more friends than the English, and better parties will be thrown... preferably, Mario Parties.

A cocksprout in full bloom.

5. Musburger with Cheese (ABC halftime show). The fact that an 80-year old college football announcer - Brent Musburger - is hosting soccer halftime portends the following: Because ABC obviously spent no effort on this event, they must be spending millions on what will go down in history as the greatest season of According to Jim ever. Did somebody say "explosive" comedy? "Hey Dad, the grill in the back is under PLO fire again." BOOM!

Alright. I don't know how much of my humor can be grasped tonight after my Brain Age ballooned from 30 to 34 (20 is the optimal), but at least I filled space.

Also, if you know alias Dan Wipenstein, order him to give me his extra wireless device so that group blogging of pop culture classics like The Hillz and Teen Wolf Too can occur in my basement. What's that? You don't think I should be given things for free? See ya then, cuz I'm late, and you're wrong.

Montage.