Lob-Sided (Not featuring Lobsters)

As my readership has expanded from five people per day to "over" five people per day, I've come under increasing pressure from lobbyists looking to get their causes mentioned somewhere herein. As of yet, I've rebuffed such efforts with a simple snub of my nose. Given the dryish weather of late, though, this has led to some chafing. So before I become the next Noseless Nancy, let me address these pressure groups by addressing them. Rock!

Israel
I'm an American; thus, the strongest lobby of course comes from Israel; specifically, a man named Amit has been following me around looking particularly bloggy-eyed. At the moment his only demand is to well represent his character, though it's also been hinted that I should stop posting notices about PLO bake sales.

A bomb-shaped cake? Or a metaphor for this post?

Well let me appease Amit for now (appeasement always works) by reminding readers that he was never convicted on the baby molesting charges. The case fell apart when the prosecution failed to build a consistent story concerning which spices he'd begun to sprinkle on the baby's head.

Pro-Choicers
Yawn so apparently people still care about abortion. I thought Match Point (abortion spoiler alert!) had effectively put an end to the debate by showing that not having an abortion could kill Scarlett Johansson, but it seems most women are jealous of Scarlett and want her dead. That's why pro-choice groups have been begging me to write an entry where I re-envision the movie in a way that ends with a really hot guy getting murdered instead. The task kind of intrigues me, but unfortunately I have a condition that makes it very difficult for me to write anything in which I might die. Sorry.

Lettuce Manufacturers
I recently read a pretty scary story about a kitten who was playing around in the kitchen and got hidden under a large leaf of lettuce. The chef was busy on the phone, didn't notice, and actually served the salad to some customers. Luckily, the restaurant in discussion was Mexican, where nobody actually orders salad, so the kitten was saved. Still, this shocking story alerted the press to the danger of large lettuce. "Can you," the industry requested of me, "help soothe people's fears about lettuce accidents? " I can, but only after my demand of decentralizing lettuce in grocery stores is met. Every head of lettuce should be sold in a different aisle, and some should even be sold out in the parking lot. As long as all those heads are together in one produce crate, people will deservedly continue to fear lettuce.

Perverts/Nerds/Other Synonyms
Look, I can't always write posts about hot Star Trek women and hot video game characters. The more sultriness I reveal to others, the less I have to selfishly keep to myself. I'll give you one more (Mia Fey, spiritual lawyer from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney), but because you've been bothering me, I'm not going to give you high-resolution game art. I'm going to give you wood-carved bookends.

The Music Industry
This is the most understandable lobby I've had to deal with so far. People in the know in the business in Hollywood think my mediocre blogging ability can easily be parlayed into a multi-platinum CD. They're right. Bing Crosby got his start in blogging, and now it's my turn. I have stars in my eyes and and a song in my heart, so finish your day by following the link below, turning up your speakers, and enjoying a demo snippet from my upcoming megadisc. I basically turn the pasta genre on its heels while at the same time channeling the intensity of Kurt Russell's post-apocalyptic struggle in Escape from LA.

Presenting 54 seconds of MixMastahHolmes and DoktorPeace's "Spaghetti Restaurant."