Education Vacation... with Vegetables

I learned a variety of things these past couple days in Minnesota. Since I prefaced my trip with a list-like post, and since more than half of my posts include lists of some form (the other half are Twain excerpts), here's another!

Oh, but because a blogger by the name of Dave commented last post that he didn't know "WHAT" was going on with my apparantly overly-avant style, I'm introducing a character named Eddie the Eggplant Educator to clarify any possible confusions. I hope you don't think he's too much of an assonance!

Eddie: Kids, assonance is similar to alliteration, except that it refers to the repetition of vowel sounds instead of consonant sounds. That last joke was a crude pun which combined this literary technique with a swear word for "rear end," or "behind."

First Learned: Jesus is powerful in the North. It seems like over half of standard cable channels cater specifically to Bicep-lovers. Whoops. I mean Bible-lovers. I confused the two because one of the shows was an exercise program in which a kid who was asked how to spell "bicep" did so correctly, only to be told he was wrong and that the actual spelling was B-I-B-L-E.

Other shows included a home video with an old black man whose hair was shaped like a side-tipped beret, as well as the cult classic The Bibleman Adventures. Bibleman battles the evil Protester (who's probably a gross secularist...eww!) with psalms and proverbs. There's even comic relief when Biblegirl, whose breasts are protected with their own shield of chastity, cites an irrelevant proverb in the middle of battle. "It's all I could think of," she doth proclaim. Well, at least she doth not protest.

They say the costumes are based off the book of Ephesians.

Eddie: Kids, don't listen to anything Harry types about religion. Because nobody's loved him for so long, he's forgotten that Jesus will always love him. Instead, he turns to slimy books and glasses-wearing intellectuals for guidance. Do you know who else wears glasses? The Protester!

Second Learned: I can still enjoy movies with Clive Owen in them. I've been begging for a good Clive flick since 2004's King Arthur. I was disappointed when he wasn't 4 real in Closer. I cried at his trainwreck of a character in Derailed. But finally, with The Inside Man, I can look to him once more as one of my major outside influences. (I'm choosing to overlook the Yankees hat he dons in the final scene, and not because I want to, but because I need to.) Welcome back, Clive. Your poster will be re-mounted on my wall.

Eddie: I believe Harry's attempting a double-entendre with this poster mounting comment at the end. He means it to imply not only that he's mounting the poster on the wall, but also that he's mounting it sexually. Not only is this behavior inappropriate, but it's immoral. Remember the forgotten commandment: "Thou shalt not mount false idols."

Third Learned: M&Ms are everywhere. As me and Chris were off on one of our wacky adventures - adventures stemming from Chris not knowing where anything is - we stumbled upon the "M and M Market." We didn't go in, but we knew that everything they sold -milk, bread, etc. - had to be filled with M&Ms! After passing the store, we sat down to eat, only to see another patron leave the restaurant with a plush M&M toy tied to his backpack. And then lightning struck thrice, when some random girl Chris knew entered the diner, sat down in the booth behind us, and turned to offer us peanut M&Ms in a kitsch M&M container.

Chris and I didn't bow to coincidence, however, for we demanded one more M&M sign appear if we were to put our faith in these candied gods. Nothing happened, and we knew the heavens were empty.

Eddie: Harry seems to be instilling more and more anti-religious content into this post as it continues. Ignore him, kids, ignore him!

Fourth Learned: Eddie the Eggplant Educator is revealing the ultimate motivations of my blog, and therefore must be released from his contract even before this post is finished.

(Gunshots sound, followed by the sizzle and smell only the preparation of butter-fried eggplant can produce. Delicious, and free of personification.)

Fifth Learned: When seeing cute Georgetown cheerleaders for the first time in years, do not mention your fervor for eating in the shower. These kinds of revelations shouldn't be released to too many too soon. Revolution begins at the hush of dawn, and only after a full day will the fireworks at night prevail!

Viva la ducha! Baja con Dios!