The exciting idea which demands the preceding precursor -
A Kangaroo Disaster Movie!
I know. It's genius. Don't thank me, though, for this is a group project originally introduced, I believe, by one Daniel Wipenstein. Inspired by every disaster movie, our untitled film may or may not feature comedy-man Anthony Anderson revisiting his Kangaroo Jack character. Nobody involved in the process has seen the undoubtedly funny Kangaroo Jack, so we've written his part as we assume it was. Now we just need to find a Baptist choir to fit into that banana-boat hat he wears...
Filming was set to begin this summer, but the project has become almost entirely theoretical, so I'm feeding you culture vultures some of the possible dead rodents you'll probably never see on the silver screen. By dead rodents, of course, I mean theatrical gems; the metaphor arises from the knowledge nugget that possum eyes are used as props for rubies on Broadway.
Without further ado, some possum eyes!
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UNTITLED PROJECT
Open on the backwoods of Brookfield Wisconsin, circa 1850. BART and ROCHELLE, both burly men, huff and puff as they pull a giant box behind them.
BART: Rochelle, don't you think we can stop now? We escaped from Australia, crossed the Pacific, and traversed another half-continent. Surely no one's still after us, mate.
ROCHELLE: Yeah, I guess you're right. Should we take a peak at what it was we stole, then?
BART: DefinATEly.
Taking out a chisel, the two knock at the lock.
ROCHELLE: I can't wait. I bet it's gold!
BART: I hope it's platinum. Last I saw, old platty was even more precious than gold.
ROCHELLE: Did ya say Platty, mate? Damnet! That was the name of the pet platypus we lost at sea. Can we have a moment of silence please?
BART: Of course, mate. I'm sorry. I should've remembered.
The two turn away from the box to honor the dead with awkward quiet. The box begins to rattle. The pair slowly turn around, bewildered by the box's movement. Rattling increases.
BART: What the...?
A swooping kangaroo tail explodes from the box! (This will be stock footage of my yellow lab Josie's tail wagging.) Cut to a shot of the ground, as BART and ROCHELLE's heads roll into view.
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Blah blah blah I'm tired of screenplay format. Basically, we then go to Brookfield's central plaza in the present day, where the public is having a big festival in honor of nobody dying in the past 150 years. Some relationships are established between protagonists. Everyone talks about how safe the world is. We see some kids playing basketball on a hoop covered with ivy (unexplained). We meet a man in a Mayan tribal mask who tells everyone about his research and how there's a horrible disaster coming. Everyone laughs at him. The b-ball kids decide to play KANGAROO instead of HORSE. Some kind of magic or coincidence becomes unleashed, and kangaroos slowly invade.
The script is still in its early stages and may be tossed in favor of something more X-Men-like, but if anybody wants to be in this or fund it or direct it, contact somebody. That somebody will then contact me, and I will contact God to see if He agrees with my decision. Yeah, God's a dude. So what?
Oi! Stop your clamoring. I'll end with another quote from the movie since you want it so bad:
"Derek, I don't think these onions were bloomin' before I left for work. "
TAIL WHOOSH
Yeah, Anthony Anderson's black. So what?
3 comments:
that isn't even screenplay format!!!!!
Grrr.... Faux-screenplay format then, you sticky stickler...
Grrrrowrrowr!
Good work Brammer, but you forget the key cinema technique we are going to use. In honor of Jaws, you will almost never see the Kangaroos. All you will hear is the very erie sound of a gazoo, its buzzing will blow with the wind giving it a naturally terrifying reverb. Ofcourse this is the how kangaroos communicate, a natural produced sound that mimics a Dollar Store gazzo. In my mind, the whole brookfield society will break down. Road blocks will be over run, the police station will become an outpost. Roving bands of gun-toting folk will scour the suburb for supplies and signs of life. The movie will take on a Odyssey flavor as the main characters make a jounrey through the chaos that is a kangaroo infested brookfield.
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