Haunted Post

A raven just flew by my window.

Fear has disappeared from television/movies and entered video games, as far as I'm concerned. Perhaps my behind-the-scenes experience on the sets of such chilling dramas as The OC is responsible for this opinion (though I'm still rarely as scared as I am when Summer and Seth are apart). Or perhaps, more likely, movies largely suck today, with ubiquitous "surprise!" cats jumping from shadows and "gross-out!" syringes piercing victim's skin (Yes, Jigsaw, I am calling you out, if you dare return...). Regardless, this is how it is, and this is why I present to you my text-based computer game: Untold Secret.


To begin, exit out of this window, download the Opera browser, and relaunch this page.

Did you succeed? If so, be afraid of the control foolish blogs can have on your mind! You are naught but a leech, feeding off the instructions of others whose brains have been filled with the evil of bake sales gone by. Banana bread contains the witchcraft of the deepest jungles of Africa, or didn't you know...

To continue, tap the right button on your mouse. (What? Are you an Apple user? You idiot! Apples are the worst platforms for gaming. You will have to wait until next year when I release a Mac version.) Note the various options. Choose "View Page Info." Here you'll see unintelligble computer lingo, which is closely linked to the writings of the ancient Mayans...

Look out! A blood-hungry jaguar!

You survived, but you lost three gallons of milk. Find the badge of lactose intolerance to nullify this loss.

I hope you're still viewing the page info I told you to. If not, be afraid of the lack of control foolish blogs have on your mind! "All must at some point obey the wisdom of those who have come before." - The Black Wizard. Anyway, select the "Links tab" and find the second timestamp in the "Name" column. Write that number down on a check (ignoring decimals), make that check out to me, and put it in the mail. Thanks very much.

According to Google images, the Black Wizard looks like this. Nice.

The raven is sitting outside my window.

Does your computer possess an Nvidia graphics card? If so, congratulations. This experience is surely more fulfilling for you than it is for lesser-carded peons. You may also select a "Faded Photograph" for your inventory. Choose a number from 1 to 3 and read on to learn about your acquisition.

Did you select 1? If so, then you actually selected 3, which is a picture of a plantation once owned by a white supremacist. The slaves revolted and strung the owner and his family up in their own false airs of pretension. You can still hear the spirituals being sung in the distance. "Strange fruit...Blood on the leaves and blood on the root..."

Did you select 2? If so, then you actually selected 2, which is a picture of a castle in the deepest woods of Bulgaria. Rumor has it, this castle isn't actually a castle at all, but a possessed hotel! And the story surrounding the hotel is that it was once used as a prison for mental patients! Mental patients who had once been leaders of a Satanic cult! Scary!

Did you select 3? If so, then you actually selected 4, which is out of the range of acceptable options. Not only will you not receive a "Faded Photograph" card, but you must reboot your computer in DOS mode. Do it.

Whatever the path you chose, you're almost at the end. Please go to the bathroom so as to prevent any unwanted embarassments from occurring in this final leg of the journey. If you're playing this game in your office, you must use the bathroom of the opposite sex. Why? Because a lingering ghost has blinded your vision with its despair! That which you think is the men's room is actually the women's, and vice versa. NEVER USE THE UNISEX HANDICAPPED BATHROOM! IT'S UNFAIR TO THOSE WHO REALLY NEED IT!

Okay then. Here is your final task. Swivel your chair to the...

What's this? The raven has flown through my closed window and is now perched on my right arm. I don't think I have any bread left to feed it, after the elaborate "bread boy" costume I made and wore last night, but there might be some food around here. I've never known a wild bird to be so friendly and unafraid of a stranger. Huh... it seems to want to whisper something in my ear. Go ahead, raven. Go ahead and whisper in my ear whatever it is you have to say...

AHJREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!