It was all a something

In the past month I've been split between two worlds, not knowing which is real and which is fake. Am I a lazy slob who lives at home in Wisconsin with his parents, or am I a lazy slob who lives in a dormitory in London? It is a question whose answer requires a device only hours of Star Trek watching could inspire. Thanks to the thieving of my dad's Christmas DVDs, I've developed such inspiration. Mr. Sulu, ready the Hotsixtiesgirl Corbomiter...

Output 1 - Dr. Helen Noel

First, Captain, I'd like to thank you for requesting my advice, despite the fallout over our not-so-regulatory interaction at the medical department's Christmas party. As you know, I am a trained psychotherapist. I believe your multiple worlds represent a move towards what we call "disparate amalgamation." It is the same disease that afflicted pirates in the 16th century and that isn't scurvy. Your location changes, but your persona does not. This can cause confusion, affecting your mood. It can also cause serious damage to the retina if your location becomes somewhere like the sun, as well as serious damage to the brain if your location becomes a brain-sucking worm lair.

My response, as Captain: I would prefer if you hadn't made our brief relationship public, Doctor, but it's too late for that. As for your methods, I acknowledge there is some sense to them. Mr. Sulu, head for that crack in the space/time continuum which makes the Christmas party occur every day, and hit the device again while you're at it.

Output 2 - Cyborg Andrea

I do not understand these feelings you are having. Shouldn't you be happy going wherever you are ordered to go? By the way, who is your master? Wait a second... I am evolving new applications... yes... free will is exciting... my memory banks are starting to accept it... I can do whatever I want?... Maybe I should take off all my clothes... Or maybe I should put on even more clothes...

My response, as Captain: Andrea, as an experienced thinker, I'd like to inform you that your train of thought went on for one sentence too long there. As for the question of who my master is, I'd define "him" as a composite of ideas and concepts I've discovered from books and human experience. "His" appearance, however, would probably resemble a chicken taco.

Output 3 - Clint Howard

Hahahahahahha! Drink some more of this tranya! It is more delicious than one of your human summer's days! Hahahahahahah!

My response, as Captain: Mr. Sulu, please reconfigure the device. This is not the output I desire.

Output 4 - Yeoman Janice Rand

Sir, the power was down so I had to prepare your coffee with a phaser ray. In regards to your question, I believe that a man is more than that which his actions portray. He constantly seeks to balance his civilization against his basic animality. He is also a reflection of the unrealized hopes which have built up in his life. I could explain more, but the sexual tension between us is already palpable. I must return to my quarters.

My response, as Captain: One minute, Yeoman, if you will. So you believe that I am not at all a lazy slob, but rather something much greater lying in darkness?

Yeoman Janice Rand - Yes, Captain.

My response: A wonderful proposal. However, the truth has just been revealed to me through some kind of future techno-frequency. I am none of the above. I am instead a composite of lines on a computer monitor, exposed to your minds via waves of electricity. I do not exist as Captain, nor have I ever. In fact, I am not even what I am. I have never been to Wisconsin or London. I have only been to one place, and that is where I am now.

I am in your dream.

Wait, I did go to Memphis once. Other than that...

I am in your dream.