A Book Review, by Wormy

Sigh. Yes, as my name suggests, I am a worm. And yes, as the subject line reveals, I am the book reviewer at Six Lines. But if you ever... ever... EVER call me a bookworm, I will seriously rip some inside part of your body out onto the outside. That inside part, used to living symbiotically with the rest of your organs, will be unable to survive in its new environment. It will shrivel, it will die, and nobody will care, because everybody will know you deserved it.

I am not a bookworm. I am a worm who reviews books occupationally and happens to like them as well.

And don't try to get me to review books written by women. That pisses me off just as much.

This is a woman author. Run.

Look, I have nothing against women. Most worms are hermaphrodites, so I have to deal with the best and worst of both worlds. I simply feel that reading books by women is on par with having feet. It's disgusting and unnatural. I don't slime my way over to the library to learn about feelings and emotions. I want action, meaningful dialogue, and - what's the word? - oh yeah, substance.

Females think they know more about their gender than men. To prove otherwise, I have selected for my premiere review a book written by a man, including a strong female character.


TMNT: The Movie Novel. April O'Neil isn't too heavily featured in this book, and it is in fact her actions as an antiques collector which facilitate the arrival of our key antagonists; however, she proves her strength by hanging out with males who are way awesomer than her. Want to know how rad the turtles are? "Punches, kicks, full body throws. Ninjitsu, Tae Kwan Do, street-fighting moves. Sais, katanas, shuriken. The brothers brought all the techniques and skills that they had learned over their lifetime together into this battle." That is rad. Only a girl with relative (though still miniscule) coolness could even think about such radness, much less interact with those in possession of it. Oh, and let's face it: In dating Casey Jones, April's pulling in way over her head. The guy is ripped, and he walks with the perfect canter of rebellion plus hockey. I'm not embarrassed to say that if he were a worm, I'd do him, if I figured out how I have sex.

What else, other than some scenes with a woman, does this book include? Well, if you've seen the movie, it includes that stuff. If you haven't, then let me give you a hint: EVERYTHING! This book comes with my highest recommendation. Before the prologue ("Leonardo's Journey") even gets a chance to begin, we're provided with this lesson from the great ninja master himself - Splinter:

"A sensei once counseled a grief-stricken boy as his older brother prepared to leave for battle. He said, "Child, why do you cry? You are both part of a family. And a family is a bond that cannot be broken by war, by strife, by force or neglect. And, more importantly, you are brothers. And brothers you shall remain, despite time... argument... and even distance.'"

Family pervades all four dimensions: The singular point of battle, the linear quantity distance, the rounded texture of neglect, and time. Learn it. No other book will teach you more about family than this one, and, given the integral importance of family in human society, no other human book will have meaning for you unless you read this one first.

The book is not without its surprises. Twists turn into, uh, turns. Turns, uh, turn into, uh, other turns. Nothing connects, though, until the author, lyricist Steve Murphy, wants it to. Fortunately (yet expectedly) his wants exactly parallel your desires. Who is the Nightwatcher? Why is Maximilian Winters collecting stone statues from all over the world? Why are weird, arbitrary monsters appearing in New York? All is answered in time, and your patience in reaching the final, 127th page is rewarded.

A monster from the book, from the movie.

Wormy's Blurb: Leonardo and Raphael bicker. Michelangelo eats pizza. Donatello says nerdy stuff. The foot clan appear in their finest role since The Blue Lagoon novelization, and everyone goes home happy. I'm pretty sure they're going to make a movie out of this brilliance, but you do not want to have to wait for it.

Read this on five rainy days out of five. I'll be on your driveway.