Round Table... Metaphorically and Literally

Gawrsh, blogging frequently is hard! Especially when you're pretending to write a book, like I am. I spend at least 3 hours a day locked in my room "writing," plus an additional 2 hours stocking up on the tissues I cry into while I'm sitting in the corner "writing." Add that to the time I have to devote to watching Jeopardy, watching other television, and eating, and I only have like 15 minutes left to blog!

Because my life is so incredibly consuming, I've brought in some guests tonight to help me blog. I will be moderating a round table on a melange of topics with my friends Ronnie the Lion, Ginger the Cat, and Ted the suspiciously defensive Panda.

TOPIC 1

Did Stephen Colbert steal my response to the "Snake 'befriends' snack hamster" story? My friend Dave knows an associate producer on The Colbert Report, and Colbert's comments deriding the snake for going against its nature sounded dangerously close to my comments on the...ahem...CIIIIIRCLE OOOOOFFF LIIIIIIIIIIIFE!

Ronnie the Lion: Whereas we'll probably never know the answer to this, your response, Harry, was not so original that you shouldn't have expected another to think of the same.

Ginger the Cat: I agree that the comedic undertones of this story are strong enough that numerous writers might have thought of the same kind of joke, but the path from Harry to Stephen Colbert is only 3 degrees. Consider that today is January 31 and Harry's post on the matter was the 19th, and you can see what a long amount of time there was for it to get, may I say, 3 degrees hotter.

Ted the suspiciously defensive Panda: I don't really know what we're talking about, but I definitely haven't talked to anyone at The Colbert Report. I'm too busy...ummm...eating bamboo to do that. Yeah! Munch munch mmm this bamboo is delicious.

TOPIC 2

Is global warming a serious problem? Michael Crichton's recent book State of Fear calls into question many of the conventional beliefs on the issue, but scientists have called Crichton's criticisms flawed at best.

Ronnie the Lion: I think that global warming is a marginal issue that, while important, should step aside for the more important issue stemming from it. The ocean could take us over one day, and we have virtually no idea what lives at the bottom of it! I hope that more lions live there, but from the little I've read about biology, that possibility is slim.

Ginger the Cat: I don't know what you're worried about, Ronnie. Global warming is happening so slowly that we will not only have the ability to maintain life well above sea level in plenty of time, but we will also have numerous inventions that can trap these sea animals you're worried about. I know a bit more about biology than you, so I can estimate that most likely these animals will be fish. That means that you and me, Ronnie, being members of the feline family, will have our stereotypical food fantasies realised.

Ted the suspiciously defensive Panda: What? There's water on this planet? I didn't even know that, so I don't know why you're asking me if it's a problem or not. (Ted hurriedly knocks the guests' mugs of water off the round table, and returns to his seat, sweating).

TOPIC 3

Is our round table discussion entertaining enough? Early feedback is confirming expert predictions that there is too much serious content in this post to be truly appreciated by normal Americans. Normal Americans would rather watch Meet the Fockers than read this post and would also rather watch In Good Company than give their child a hug.

Ronnie the Lion: First, let me praise the normal American for their support of what I, too, consider to be a hilarious film. Meet the Fockers contains both Dustin Hoffman and Robert De Niro's best performances ever, and the film is so timeless that my sarcastic lauding of it even a year later is fun. Second, let me... (Ronnie puts a whoopi cushion under Ginger). Ha! How's that for entertainment, America?!

Ginger the Cat: I thought for sure that although our discussion was a bit thick, our cuteness would win over even the biggest skeptics of knowledge. I'm quite disappointed. Mew.

Ted the suspiciously defensive Panda: Certainly you're not accusing me of this ratings valley! I mean, I've done some things I'm not proud of... I mean I haven't done things I'm not proud of... I mean (Ted jumps out the window and never returns. Never.)
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Thanks, friends!