I'm Entertaining Otherwise

I am slow of late, and there are a few reasons for this. Why don't I explain them to you in popular list format!

1. I am entertaining otherwise. Contrary to recent rumours, I am actually both writing a book and spelling "rumours" the British way. The book is nearing its completion story-wise, probably to be finished by the end of May and then cleaned up all summer like a clean cat. Speaking of which, did you know that Haylie Duff nicknames her sister Hilary "Clean Cat"? (Note: I purposely chose to put this question mark outside the quotations. I am against question marks as such being within them. I'm a rebel like that.) Please Haylie, your euphemisms are so easy for us perverts to see through. And so sexy.

2. The seasons tricked me. It got warm, and now it's cold again. I am not one to promote weather-speak in an already weather-obsessed nation, but things like this do piss me off. Maybe it's a good thing that TMJ 4 launched a whole channel devoted to the weather. Whoops no it's not. I hope it fails miserably and the producers drown in their bounced checks. By the way, I wrote an e-mail telling TMJ 4 to stop running an especially annoying ad campaign during Conan because, so I said, that's when people with some sense of creativity watch. I didn't get a response. They probably assume I'm just a bitter old man who passed away after experiencing the insane technology of electronic mail. At least they're honoring my last request; I haven't seen the commercial since.

3. I've been hanging out with Mark Twain, literally. Or maybe literaturally. My book will not compare to anything Mark Twain wrote, so if you're hoping for a classic short story about jumping frogs look elsewhere. Elsewhere being Mark Twain's The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, you silly head.

4. I've been watching baseball, as mentioned last week. Tonight Japan beat Cuba in the championship, and I seriously got emotional when the Cuban team came out afterwards and they all shook hands. I'd been cursing at the sportsmanship throughout the series, as teams narcissistically congratulated only their own teammates after the games, so I was glad to see the trend finally end. An unfortunate new trend began, however, when all the players started disappearing through wormholes.

5. I've been pondering the benefits of our decades old stand-off with Cuba. This distraction has actually taken very little time, as the benefits are nonexistent. I guess it is important to fight Castro and his "communist" ways, though. I'm glad we're doing the same to other dictatorial faux-socialists like China and Vietnam. What's that? All our clothes are from those places? I don't understand...

6. (Semi-spoiler alert) I've been dreaming up all the ways I can make my friends angry by arguing that V for Vendetta is a more triumphant love story than Brokeback Mountain. Natalie Portman and V had more to overcome than society's fear of sexuality. They had to overcome the impossibility of love between an innocent girl and the man who can't kiss her through his mask or sex her with his fire-scarred body. Beautiful, and filled with much more glorious fireworks scenes than Brokeback.

7. I've been eating a ton of food in the shower. Bagels with cream cheese, more pickles, frozen fruit snacks, and more! If I didn't feel so bad about the whales, I'd just sit in there all day. But alas, the blubber-fueled water heater in my house burns all too fast.

Alright, I think 7 is a good number to end at. I've been told it's lucky by a man with one eye. I'm not sure what that means.

Does he really only have one eye, or is it an optical illusion?