Power

I just wrote a powerful section of my book, in which the hero finally stops production of a set of foil-trimmed baseball cards that were putting 2004 batting statistics in the column for 2005! As you can imagine, I'm completely and emotionally drained. Please, when you read my book sometime next year, have pills with you. If they're pills for calming, you'll be in perfect shape. If they're pills for anything else, you'll be dead before the hour.

To bring myself back to Earth from the planet of future literature, I'm going to talk about how incredibly useful my blog is. I'm not going to look at it in the hedonistic, eye-goggling way I usually do when I reload the page for the fifth time. Rather, I'm going to look at it as John Stuart Mill would have liked me to - the utilitarian way.

By the way, Georgetown wouldn't buy back my copy of Mill's Utilitarianism, so whichever one of my siblings has a child first can expect a pretty exciting baby shower gift. And for baby's first birthday, Essays on the African-American Experience. Freedom!

Back to the many uses of my blog, as decided by internet searches that for one reason or another end up here. Let's investigate:

Search: "Usher sexuality/homosexuality." This continues to be my biggest hit, though users who type the pop star's full name "Usher Raymond" have a better chance of arriving, as long as they remember to type the gay thing, too. I've been moving up the Google list for many combinations of terms involved in this oh-so-serious current issue. I don't think I ever really gave an answer regarding the question at hand, however, so now I will. Usher is neither gay nor straight. He's an eagle.

Stop grabbing. There are enough gay rumors for everyone.

Search: "Political double-entendre." Apparently I've used the word double-entendre numerous times, and searchers who use MSN love to find out about this word in the context of politics. Here are some more double words these government nerdos might like: gerrymander-salad, filibuster-soup, and veto-my-speedo. Although you wouldn't think it, I didn't just make these words up. They're actually items on the menu of a restaurant I'm opening. The veto-my-speedo is a banana pastry with just a splash of tart and some extra filling hanging out the sides.

Search: "Boobs." Why in the name of ethernet cables would anyone click on my website after running this search? They did.

Search: "Mike XXX, Chad XXX." I've put XXXs after these male names not to persevere the porn theme which almost started with the last search, but rather to attempt some anonyminity. I've included a couple of friends' full titles in my writing from time to time (which I will try to avoid doing again without permission), and I now both congratulate and warn these two people that multiple internet searches have been run on them in recent days. I'm not exactly sure about the origins of the searches, but they seem to be coming from .iaw sites. That's the protocol for insane asylum wards.

Search: "If everyone in China jumped up and down at the same time would the tidal wave destroy America?" This makes me very happy. I'm the number 2 Google result for a question on destroying America. Workers of the world unite!

And that's how I ended up in federal prison.

I'm all packed for Guantanamo!