Re: Detractors = Retractors (Minus De)

Do not think I've failed to hear the mumblings and whisperings of you, the general public. I have heard it said that my blog, over the past couple weeks, has begun to slip back into hibernation. Well my apologies to you elite who have time at work to do all your blogging. I do not have a real job, so I have no real time to blog. Do I do it when I'm tutoring a student? Do I do it when I receive an e-mail from the tutoring company condescendingly telling me that I suck because I'm "too flippant to jackass students," or something like that? Do I do it when I'm writing freelance documents about how much you need a DUI lawyer to save you from a longer jail term? Do I do it when I'm riding my magical leopard Sir Bollingsworth to my castle in the jungle? I have no idea, because none of these jobs are that real, and some of them aren't real at all.

In any case, I'm back for these few minutes with a vengeance. The awards season, although "sadly" over, has reminded me that I need to blog about a wider range of topics in order to qualify for more Blogulution awards. Today I will do television:

24 - I've never seen this show, nor do I plan to. I just don't like numbers or explosions that much, which is why I dropped out of math after one college semester. Did we really need to blow up a car after every algorithm graph?

Dynasty - I've never seen this show, nor do I really know what it's about. If it were about the Ming dynasty, I'd probably watch it because those treasure voyages to Arabia that the emperor funded intrigue me. I don't think it is about the Ming, though. I think it might even be about Americans? Too complex.

These people clearly aren't Asian. Look how big their penises are.

American Idol - I cannot believe that this show is still so popular. It is a bad talent contest for annoying, superficial people. Go watch a university music major sing with a jazz band at your local bar/pubbery and you will probably hear a singer who is twice as good as anyone on this "show." I really don't get it. I must be out of touch with America, which means that I'm in touch with George Clooney, which means that if I reach over just a bit further I'll be in touch with whatever hottie George is banging tonight. Nice.

The World Baseball Classic - Sports is the only realm in which I accept nationalism, or at least I think that's the conclusion I came to in my Justice and Peace Studies thesis about international soccer. I still don't accept patriotism, but I won't try to explain that thin line for fear that my argument will go foul. Ha! A baseball metaphor! I am seriously enjoying almost every game I watch of this inaugural classic, and I am enjoying it even more due to the fact that I paid for the MLB.tv online service in which I don't have to watch commercials. Instead, I get to hear the announcers talk to each other during the break and order food like nachos! Fun! The World Baseball Classic is also reminding me how much I loved my solo spring break trip to Puerto Rico, a land as rich in culture as it is in spirit. Enjoy Puerto Rico today, with your friends and loved ones, if, unlike me, you have some.

I've always been a sucker for shapes and colors.

College Basketball - For whatever reason, I am becoming less impressed with basketball over the years. The consistent stoppage in play makes it less consistent than my newest love soccer, and its highly subjective foul calls make it more upsetting than my oldest love baseball. But these thoughts are probably just subconscious mechanisms to prevent myself from total heartbreak when Georgetown loses in the first round next week, so don't hold me to them. If you held me to everything I thought about subconsciously, you'd be holding me to a lot of cheese yummies in the shower, and that could get expensive.

Dancing with the Stars - Let us never speak of this again.

And now I will sign off like the pretentious internationalist I hope to soon become: Ciao bellas!

P.S. Does my post title at all qualify for something like Chris's avant-blog, or am I just not new age enough to have any idea what's going on there? Hold me, Mark Twain.