HiberNation

If I were a bear running for office, I would definitely call my campaign HiberNation.

My fortnight of absence, although disappointing*, has not been without event. I've heard and seen things that''ll turn your hair red and your eyes a soft shade of fuschia, and I'm not even referring to a hipster concert. I'm talking big things. End of the universe things. Cats and dogs, living together... oh you get the reference. How very postmodern of me.
(*to few).

THINGS I'VE HEARD

1. John Madden's aristocracy.
As my channel-flipping fingers lingered on a preseason football game, obviously embalmed in a passing dextral coma, I heard John Madden give his opinion. The debate at hand was whether or not there should be a shorter preseason, so as to cut down on the number of meaningless weeks and unnecessary injuries. John stated he favors the status quo of more exhibiton match-ups, because "you'd have to pay the players more if you had more regular season games." An interesting point by a multimillionaire, especially given that players, as far as I know, are not contracted by the week.

2. Alan Thieke.
My mom and I drove my sister to college in Ohio this week, and at some point we decided to eat. How very traditional of us. Whilst eating, I swore I heard Alan Thieke talking at a table somewhere behind me, so I threw this observation into my own table's conversation. Usually when I offer such remarks I'm rebuffed with a pause and an attack on my sanity, but this time my mom concurred. "Yes. I heard that, too." The obvious conclusion is: Alan Thieke sat somewhere near me and was talking. That puts me one degree away from Kirk Cameron, and two degrees away from God.


3. Birds.
I can't really remember hearing any birds over the revving of my Mario Kart DS engines, but I must have heard some. Maybe a robin? By the way: What do you call a bird from Vienna who has lots of money? An Aust-rich!

THINGS I'VE SEEN

1. Mandalorians.
If you know who Mandalorians are, you are a super-nerd and are welcome to attend my "Jar-Jar Sundays" brunches. Lately it's just been me and Professor Panda Bear, so your presence would be more than welcome. (I don't know how much more I can stand listening to the prof talk about his ex-wife. Ugh. I get it. Melony was a "bamboo whore." Move on.)


Oh, and this point actually refers to my complete indulgement in Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic over the last two weeks. A great game. Play it. And may the force be with you. (Topical!)

2. More video games.
I can't believe I'm yet to blog about G-Phoria, G4's video game awards. I swear I will, right after I finish a few games of Crossbow on my Atari 7800. (Topical!)

Two paths diverged in a retro game. I chose the one less monsterful.

3. Guarded borders.
My friend Daniel moved down to Richmond, Virginia last week, and as nice as he is when he's in Wisconsin, he's an intolerant bobby down South. As I travelled near Ohio's southern border on my aforementioned trip, I noticed Dan driving parallel on the Kentucky side. He swore he'd lynch me if I crossed the line a moment before my summer tan faded into glorious white, so I kept clear. He may be a bobby, but he's also a man of his word. Then again, he also swore he'd knife me if I ever used the term "bobby," and so far as I can tell my body remains blade-free since '93.

4. The future.
I know all you Emmy-lovers are going to soon be blogging about your event parties and the delicious crepes your 35-year old neighbor brought over and the baby pictures Maude showed off during the 9:15 commercial break, but while you all are doing that, I'll be hanging with an age group I'm legally banned from hanging with: teens. I watched a few minutes of the Teen Choice Awards tonight, and I learned all I need to know about awesomeness. Where else can you see Ashley Olsen present an award with Soul Plane show-stealer Snoop Dogg? Where else can you see a jelly-filled Britney introduce the world-premiere performance of her husband K-Fed's newest rad beats? My eyes were loving it; however, due to some bloodcurdling screams when Johnny Depp appeared onstage, my ears were not.

And that's why I can never write about the THINGS I'VE HEARD again. A tragic ending, in the vein of Shakespeare himself. How very Victorian of me.

Shakespeare Federline? Or creepiest photoshop ever?