Mona Lisa Smile

People don't talk about that movie enough anymore.

After weeks of hammering cracks in my walls with the hope that creepy vines would start growing out of them, I finally gave in and bought one of those "potted" plants. They seem to be all the rage, now that people don't keep dirt piles in their rooms. In any case, the acquisition turned out to be more difficult than expected, as apparently I was still married to a petunia I bought back in Vegas in 1998. That disaster had to be annulled (thank god she didn't seed), and I had to defend my position as a flora owner in front of the British Agricultural Board. An excerpt:

Board Member 1: Sir, at what point in the day would you water your plant?
Me: At the time appointed by nature.
Board Member 1: An excellent evasive maneuver, sir, but I rephrase: At what point on the clock - British Standard Time - would you water the plant?
Me: I don't really know how to convert American time into British time.
Board Member 1: Sir! You go to school in this country. You live in this country. Surely you must know what time it is in this country.
Me: Time to get a new and British watch?
Board Member 2: That's what I was going to say! Jokes are fun!

Time passed, the board members fell asleep, and I stole the stencil they use to draw seals of approval on applications. Thusly I was awarded planternity, and Planty the dragon-something plant sits comfortably on my sill.

Of course, you want to see pictures of my new boy?/girl?, and I don't intend to disappoint. However, I must apologize ahead of time for the rodent corrupting the picture. Every time I go to take a picture of Planty, who sits oh so nobly in the window, a crazy, button-eyed beast hops beneath its leaves. I can't shoo it away, either, because as soon as I even start to brush my hand thusly...

Pretend this is an animated .gif

... it droops its ears. Science shows that droopy-eared animals cannot be anything but adorable, and my shoo inevitably becomes a coo. You're not doubting science, are you? You might be, so here's a statistic set from this month's International Relations journal. The study compared the percentage droop in rabbits' ears to the land mine concentration in regions inhabited by said rabbits:

0% droop => 100% land mineage
25% droop => 60% land mineage
50% droop => 35% land mineage
75% droop => 15% land mineage
100% droop => .0001% land mineage (the exception: Worcester, Massachusetts)

The predictive capabilities of this empirical data are troublesome for Arctic regions which feature only straight-haired snowy rabbits. Fortunately for me, my Wisconsin backyard features the grave of Dandy (full name Dandruff), my wonderful Holland lop (Rest In Parsley). All I have to worry about are sandhill cranes, which data shows are 100% capable of scaring the triforce out of me.

Board Member 2: That's what I was going to say! Video game references are fun!
Me: Shut up.

So you're going to have to deal with the best picture I can take under the circumstances. Nevertheless, note Planty's firm veins and glossy chloroform. He?/She? is an incredible specimen, neighbored by forest animals or not. I cannot wait to wake up every morning and see Planty's growth, and I cannot wait until March, which is when I think I'm supposed to water it.

You stupid s%@f#&.... Awwwwwwwwwwww...