Sarcasm Attack

In the couple of minutes I've watched Adam Corolla's new show (which comes on Comedy Central after the increasingly funny Colbert Report), I've feared not only for Mr. Corolla's career, but for his life as well. It seems that he and his guest (Carson Daly last night, Xzibit tonight... who knows what the treasure box holds tomorrow night) sit in an empty studio mocking current events and pop culture. An interesting idea for a radio show - the media that made Corolla popular - but as for television, dangerously unfunny.

Which is why I know he will soon be attacked by the Jigsaw killer of the superpopular, tragically sub-par Saw movies. The attack will go thusly:

(Fade from black)

(Adam Corolla awakes to find himself in a room wallpapered by the pages of failed television scripts. Some of the titles include Mother-in-Law Who?, Parent Snap!, and Hey! Your In-Laws Suck!)

(Hooked to Corolla's jaw is a fishing line attached to a pot of boiling tomato sauce.)

(Corolla finds a tape player next to him, picks it up, and plays it.)

Jigsaw's voice: Hello, Adam. I want to play a game. Your entire life you have ridiculed others and become famous for it. You had a radio show on which you mocked people with coming-of-age sex problems, and although you mocked them in a semi-genial manner, it always undermined the real advice. This "success" landed you a job at The Man Show, where I don't think you ever did anything but drink and make downwards of one comment a night concerning some "Juggy's" breasts you were oggling. The show was an embarassment to humanity and a setback to culture, something that I cannot accept in my diminishing days...

(Flashback to Jigsaw whining about getting cancer and not having done enough with his life and not getting a strawberry lolly and all this leading him to his current Messiah-complex ways and wah wah wah...)

Jigsaw (cont.): What you must do is simple: Sit still and quietly for five minutes without saying a word. I have even provided you with some magazines - Newsweek, The Nation - to pass the time. All you must do is resist from making a sarcastic comment about the failed sitcoms which paint these walls.

If you don't, things will get a bit saucy for you...

Oh, and I also removed the "Entertainment" section from the Newsweek, so that you are tempted even less. Is it just me, or does the "Entertainment" section keep getting bigger and the "News" section keep getting smaller? And even the news is presented in more and more of an info-tainment matter! What's the deal with that?!

Good luck.

(Corolla immediately says something sarcastic, tomato sauce dumps on his head, and he boils to death in a twenty-minute scene that wows Saw fans the world over.)

END

Sweet Jesus, I just realized that if I post this, then I am at risk of a similar fate due to my sarcastic "treasure box" comment above.

But if I don't post this, then Jigsaw, terrorists, and, worst of all, in-law sitcoms, win...

POST!

Terrorists!