Why Zombies Intrigue Us

A Thesis: by Fenimore J. Anderson

Chapter One: The Fascination

Although I, being an incredibly busy and gifted anthropology student, do not actually have time to watch human entertainment, I have read quite a few papers informing me that the so-called "undead" are a phenomenon amongst certain demographics. At first I was startled that such an absurd concept could take root in the minds of our nation's youth. I stumbled a bit, clutching onto a nearby oak to maintain my balance, and wondered aloud to the sky, "Why god or gods do you make our brains so ponderous?!?!?!?!" But then it struck me. My Newtonian apple, if you will (which I'm sure you will, seeing as how I am a genius antropology student and my metaphors are gold). I am the one who has been chosen to study this fascination... the fascination. Zombies. The undead. The groan-makers.

Chapter Two: Knowledge

Being the complex organisms we are (even more so in my case, given how incredibly smart I am), we struggle to discover what exactly it is that we desire in life. A car? A house? Two cats and a yard? Whatever it is we think we want, we put all our efforts towards that "it." We base our careers upon "it." We base our love lives upon "it." We base our entire thought process upon "it." But even if that "it" is achieved, we may learn that we knew nothing of what we desired. Everything we knew was true was false. Sun was moon. Fauna was flora.

Zombies do not struggle with the "it," and that is why we are fascinated. Some scholars have suggested that it is their human likeness that impresses us. To others, it is the fact that zombies actually were people like us one day. Hogwash! If history has taught us anything, it's that people don't care about other people. People care about themselves, and zombies intrigue people because zombies, unlike people, know what they desire.

They desire brains. Any brain will do. Of course, the fuller, more juicy human brains satisfy the hunger greater than say, a bat or dog. But brains are the "it." They are what is needed, and they are what is desired.

(Continued...)

Addendum:

Chapter 11: An Urgent Plea

I, Fenimore J. Anderson, would like to revoke all above statements (except for those mentioning what a genius I am). It has come to my attention in the two weeks since my thesis that zombies are of no real concern to us humans. Vampires are! In fact, I have catalogued a variety of instances proving that vampires are both real and sexy and highly dangerous and I will list them subsequently with the hope that...

(Document unreadable. Blood stains.)