Second, I would like to make an annoucement. Tonight I had some discussions with the public - notably Mike "The Hero" Ritmanich and my parents - and an incredible conclusion was stumbled upon, much in the same way that you might have stumbled upon this site. The conclusion was this: If my family grows poison berries in our backyard, we can use the alcohol the berries produce to fuel our cars!
Why poison berries? Because the poison keeps the deer away and my backyard is too shady for any field crops such as corn.
Third, and most important, I would like to kick off the "Saves the Dan!" campaign. For you Randys, Dan is my friend and he is very sick. Or at least that's what my musically-inclined friends tell me. You see, Dan used to search all over the world for the next great bands. He even claimed to have discovered Coldplay for America. His search was difficult, as it had to be given his high musical standards, but he didn't care. Finding new and original music was his destiny.
In the past few months, this Dan seems to have disappeared. Not only has his blog been bare for almost a month (sans one stolen-picture post), but his musical landscape has reached a plateau of dire condition. Dan currently believes that "derivative yet genius" groups who "may not be original but spill their hearts out" are the cream of the crop. This includes Yellowcard and, umm, that Christian group that was popular last year and had a music video by a pier. What Dan doesn't realize is that these musical crops, if you will, are parasites! They may right now look like as if they're filling the plateau with good harvest, but really they're digging deep into the soul of the Earth and ripping out the foundation.
Dan. Your musical choices are creating a metaphorical Dust Bowl. Collect your soul and get out of there! Head for the gold mines of California!
But not Ocean Avenue!
Actually, yeah Ocean Avenue. That song does rock.
Saves the Dan!
The dust, Dan! The dust!
1 comment:
I was ready to dig deep into my pockets and contribute via PayPal when I got a strange eerie vibe from some distant cosmic feelers, that the “Saves the Dan!” campaign may not be as legit as I had originally assumed. I have wasted more than my fair share of peanuts on these scams before, (and I’m not one to fall for such tom foolery) but I have to be suspicious ever since I threw away thousands of dollars on that damn “Saves the Christian rock band by the pier!” campaign, and well, you can imagine how that story ended. However, while I may be pinching my pennies quite tightly in your general direction, I will offer some advice: Don’t ever eat the berries. They taste like.. burning.
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