I Dislike A Parade

Get the title? Like "I Love A Parade" but not? Compliment me on it in the comments section below. It took some serious brain work.

Seriously, though, parades suck. Perhaps it's the ever-emerging bitter old man in me, but I've never liked them. They were always boring. Great for a climactic "bomb threat" or "disease-carrying warhead" scene at the end of an action movie, but otherwise boring.

It was always kinda sad being the only one in my family who didn't like to get up on Thanksgiving to watch Katie Couric say something like, "And there's the local dog club," and Al Roker hilariously respond,"Sit, Katie! Stay!" It was sad both because I was left out and because I didn't grasp the underlying excitement of Al Roker saying something so patriarchal and masochistic. Order Katie to do something else, Al! Do it! Ohhh yeah...

Whoops the bitter old man in me is transforming into the creepy old man. Better get the creepy old man out of my system before I move on...

So hot...

Alright back to parades. My parents are actually watching another one right now. I'm going to step out of my room for a second, watch the parade, return, and type something that one of the anchors says.

(3 minutes pass)

"The key to controlling the big helium balloons is to have manpower. It's better than cow-power. Cows have trouble balancing."

?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Is this the statement of a comic-genius, or is it just another example of a fool striking gold, as with Hilary Duff and her genius song "Come Clean"? Definitely the latter, as the man who said the comment I typed was being serious...

REVELATION! A parade really is just the embodiment of fools striking gold. It's a long, long line of boring displays and stupid floats and balloons, but once in a while that stroke of genius comes along. Like a float with live panthers on it or something. And then people who watch parades are reinvigorated with the human spirit, saying to themselves, "Hey. I didn't think humans were that great when I started to watch the parade. All they seemed to do was blow into metal and put flowers on cardboard and walk down a road. But then I saw this float with live panthers on it and I realized that humans ARE great because we put live panthers in parades. Humans are great because of panthers!"

There's some flawed logic there, but I think you get the point. Parades suck except for one out of every hundred displays. Like my mom walking with our dog in the Milwaukee parade. Not that my mom's a fool who struck gold. She's actually smart. Oh god this post has holes in it everywhere.

Go Mom!

But don't listen to Al Roker...