A New Me

There comes a time in every man's life when he realizes that everything he thought he knew was wrong. He figures out that he's been looking at things the wrong way, and dramatic changes must occur.

This happened to me last weekend.

I have written herein about my hatred for both reality shows and marriage. I am rescinding both of those views in light of an epiphany I had by the name of Laguna Beach.

If I were a vampire, Laguna Beach would be my holy water. Not because it kills me (which it might do to vampires, so this might be a bad metaphor) but rather because it baptizes me in the spirit of humanity that I have forgotten in my past months of bitterness and popular rejection.

The girls on this show personalize the wants and desires that every normal human would want if life were ideal. They want totally cute shoes, to relax on the beach (which seals do, too, demonstrating the natural-ness of such a desire), and, most importantly, yet also most complexly, boys.

The Laguna Beach girls need to be and should be admired for the objects of beauty they are. The trouble is choosing which guy will dote upon their throne? Should they choose Talan, the boy with the painted eyebrows who's destined to come out of the closet next season? Or should they choose Stephen, the guy who thinks he's in Good Charlotte until two seasons from now, when he comes out of the closet? Damn humanity and its dilemmas!

By the way, on a sidenote to all you feminists who have the balls to think that these girls are disrespecting themselves by acting primarily as sexual objects: for shame! Don't you realize that beauty is perhaps the most natural thing of all? Look at birds and their mating habits. It's all about the beauty. Though for birds it's the guys who are pretty. And some species do have nest-building contests to determine mating. But whatever. I can guarantee you that no male bird with ane eyepatch is ever gonna lay Queen Sparrow.

Now an apology, from me to pop culture: I was naive enough to think that I had outgrown you, and I was conceited enough to think that I was better than 99% of your content. Please forgive me. And let Laguna Beach be my teacher in your class of knowledge.

In the beginning of this post, I mentioned that my views on marriage have changed as well. Here are two words to explain this paradigmatic shift: Kirstin and Jessica. Apropo to my above preachings on beauty, I will simply post their pictures below and end discussion there. They are the loves of my life, and I pray that one day I may be mediocre enough to kiss their feet. They are both genius enough to realize that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship (read their MTV.com FAQs), so perhaps I have a chance at being accepted for the imperfect creature I am.

As long as they don't notice my eyepatch.