Omigosh Omigosh Omigosh

Currently, I'm hiding in a closet, under a bed, in a suit of armor, holding an ordinary houselamp that I am prepared to use as a weapon if need be.

I stumbled upon something horrible tonight. So horrible, in fact, that I may be dead before this post is even published. If that is the case, please don't use whatever I'm typing as my last words. Instead, use my actual last words, which were just "Get out," said to my little brother because he was in my room doing an impersonation of my dad waking me up. You wouldn't get it.

"Get out" would actually be some great last words. Especially if they were engraved on a huge mausoleum where my body was kept. And the mausoleum would be full of snakes and pits and spikes to keep people from getting to my body. Only they wouldn't know that the coffin held a fake body. My real body would really be hidden right behind the stone that said "Get out."

But back to the urgency of the present. The Jigsaw Killer is after me! I know he is. Why? A. Because that's what he does, and; B. Because of the following:

I was doing what I normally do on a Saturday night, which is slowly driving around Brookfield and looking at people's houses where I used to hang out. During this process, it dawned on me that I was a super-loser. I had to go home, do something cool, and do it quick before word got out to the ladies concerning my loser status.

What's cool nowadays? I wondered. Well, Napoleon Dynamite is pretty hip with the kids, and Napoleon loved to computer hack. So that's what I decided to do. Hack and hack until I felt some remnant of coolness drift back into my self.

However, just as I was up to the level of "kinda cool/maybe call for a movie if athletes have an away game," I made a huge mistake. I stumbled upon a blog entitled "Jigsaw's Blog." Hmm, I thought. I wonder who's writing a blog based on the protagonist/antagonist of the Saw movies? So I hacked the profile. Little did I know, that I was essentially hacking into a PDA - a PDA on which November 27th marked the date of my death!

The blog is actually*, truthfully*, and seriously* run by the Jigsaw Killer.

There is only one solution I can think of that can save me from some kind of cruel torture in which I must either hack into my own brain using a poison keyboard or die via computer virus. That solution is as follows:

Every one of you, my friends, who wants to post or comment on something in the voice of the Jigsaw Killer must use his profile. This will disperse the IP addresses enough so that I might have time to enter a witness protection program. Here is the information:

URL: jigsawblog.blogspot.com
Username: JigsawKiller
Password: yesblood

Please. I beg of you to help me and post as the Jigsaw Killer when your imagination feels it appropriate.

My mausoleum isn't due to be completed until late next year.

* (But not really)